Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Seremban Run.


The Plot
Keong is my friend from GiS. He’s been in Sydney for the last few years, and he’s just come back recently because he's got nothing else better to do before he graduates. The arse. I met up with him and we hung out for the whole evening. Matt is one of my regular mamak mates, also from GiS. Earlier tonight, Keong, Matt, Jun (another GiSian) and I met at Jelutong. Keong’s staying in Seremban for the moment, before going back to Australia on Sunday. After supper, I had to send him home. Matt came along, and it was a road trip. Along the well-lit highways, but a sort of road trip all the same.

The Lesson
a) Driving at over 110 km/h in my trusty old Proton can be a totally invigorating experience. The car shakes heavily, and as a result, the seats shake heavily. Can anyone say ‘massage chairs’?

b) Leaving Damansara Jaya and heading to the NKVE to get to Seremban is not a good idea. It costs more, and it takes much longer. Whenever possible, take the Seremban highway straight off the Federal Highway. It costs RM 3 less, and it slashes your traveling time significantly.

c) Always bring toilet paper in your car wherever you go. More on that later.

The Bends
Once I reached Seremban, trouble spewed. My lunch at Hartz had caught up with my bowels. As I reached Keong’s uncle’s house, I made a decision: instead of going into his uncle’s house to take a dump, and instead of taking a dump at a secluded construction site right outside (creepy as hell, it was), I decided to brave it on…on the journey home. And, of course, I felt better. Until I realized that I had to stop at a gas station to fill up on air for the tyres. I stopped at a Petronas along the highway, and went into the dunny. To my chagrin, there was no toilet paper. So I cleaned myself with a hose. Sounds gross, no? This is where the toilet paper would’ve been handy. Never take it for granted that kiosks will always have tissues on standby.

The Journey Back
It took less time, as I remember the car shaking for a much shorter amount of time. And again, it’s much cheaper. I was looking out for speed traps, but I gave up. An average of about 120 km/h on the way back. Very invigorating. I’m just scared that the suspension didn’t hold up all that well.

Memories
Kancils overtaking us. On the stretch from Shah Alam to USJ [or further], a Kancil packed with 5 guys zoomed by. Very embarrassing. And there’re a lot of Wajas out there that’re quite the sprinters. Also, the new Honda Odyssey looks very cool at night. Especially when it comes charging at you with the objective of knocking you out of the way. The highway is a totally different jungle at night.

Regrets
Not being able to stay in Seremban longer. Keong couldn’t go back out, and with my stomach on fire, it wouldn’t have been such a hot idea, anyway. We were supposed to take a drink in and survey the situation in Seremban regarding the reputation of its many attractive [or lack of] girls. Next time, I suppose.

I suppose it was better than my first attempt to Seremban with Justin and Rishen. Though attempt #1 was a lot more memorable.

Friday nights are just right.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Red Carpet Redux : The End of the Beginning


Hello, my pretties. I’m too lazy to say anything at this point, but here’s my write-up for the annual ball. Enjoy, at length.
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On Thursday, April 7th, 2005, the Shangri-La hotel played host to The Red Carpet, the Department of Business Studies annual ball, organized by the BIZ Council. All those who attended the event were dressed up to the fullest, following the theme of the evening. From the beginning, it already looked to be the night of glitz and glamour that was promised! Over 250 guests attended the event, and among them were notable personalities from Ogilvy, KPMG and the CPA. Also in attendance was Miss Gillian Hung, a renowned Malaysian fashion designer and style guru, who also acted as the evening’s Best Dressed Competition judge. She was already busy scouting for those who would eventually be narrowed down as finalists for the competition before the ballroom opened its doors!

The Red Carpet started off with a bang, as confetti fell to officially open the event, and following that, speeches from Mr. Ian Tai, the President of the BIZ Council, Dr. Khong Kim Hoong, Academic Director of HELP University College and Mr. Stephen Frasier of Ogilvy were made. The BIZ Council Retrospective, a presentation offering a look back at previous BIZ Council events was then made, as The Red Carpet was the latest in seven years’ worth of activities.

Dinner was then served, and much to the delight of the guests, two of HELP Idol’s finalists were performing. Shazlyana Shahroldin, the reigning HELP Idol, was featured first with her rendition of Alicia Keys “If I Ain’t Got You”. Her performance echoed throughout the hall, and the audience were captivated by her powerful voice. She was then joined by Justin Bae, HELP Idol’s 4th-placed Korean finalist, for a duet. Their rendition of “One Fine Day” brought the house down, and their powerful vocals brought life to the song. Justin then took to the stage alone, and entertained the guests in a different way…with a Korean song!

Following the performances from the younger entertainers, a new set of entertainers took over, all of them familiar to the students of the Department of Business Studies. Dubbed the “Three Legged Cat” band (“three legged” in Cantonese meaning ‘incompetent’), the group, comprising of three lecturers, performed Shangai Beach and other evergreen songs to keep the crowd entertained. Mr. Yap Fu Chu, Mr. David Ng and Miss Chitra will always be remembered for their efforts in pleasing the audience!

The first round of prize-giving came next, whereby the audience had to answer questions asked by Jayrem and Prem, both of Hitz Fm, the emcees of the evening. Questions such as naming lecturers with surnames starting with “L” as well as identifying sponsors of the event were answered by students, while the lecturers were asked a question, with the most creative answer walking away with the prize.

What followed next was a fashion show, with clothes sponsored by Key Ng. The clothes were “cyber” and futuristic in nature, and looked good on the models, all of whom had received some key points to modeling from Miss Gillian Hung in preparations for the event. It should be noted that the models were all students of HELP University College, and they had trained tirelessly to make their fashion show a success.

The highlight of the evening had to be the lecturer and staff performance, Walking Down The Red Carpet. A series of silent skits were combined to create a special performance. Mr. Ravi and Miss Chitra were parading themselves in a mock fashion show, Ms. Lena Choong played a psychotic lover while Mr. David Ng played her unsuspecting partner, Mr. Yap Fu Chu and Mr. Kishen Adnani played a couple of cool guys while Dr. Lim Teh Eng was a modern-day James Bond, complete with his very own Bond Girls. This truly unique performance brought the audience to their feet, and it was enjoyed immensely by everyone.

After that, a special birthday cake was presented, with the birthday belonging to none other than HELP University College itself. All the VIPs were invited to pour drinks onto a champagne pyramid, and Dr. Khong led the audience in giving a hearty “Yam Seng” toast.

Up next was the presentation of the Best Dressed Finalists, where the audience cheered for whom they felt deserved to win the most. The lucky winners were Maryann Lee Mathew, in her long, golden gown, as well as Ragu, who epitomized a blend between fashion and glamour, and they both walked away with brand new DVD players each, amongst other prizes.

The lucky draw was up next, and the audience received another opportunity to win some unique prizes, such as Secure Parking vouchers and a trip to Langkawi for two.

The last event of the evening was a surprise, as the presidents and some members of the three core societies of the Department of Business Studies gave a dance performance of the song “YMCA”. The BIZ Council, Accounting Club and Young Entrepreneurs Club joined together to give a hilarious closing to The Red Carpet.

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Voila. That's all.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Biz Council Redux : The Beginning of the End.


It’s not the best feeling in the world when someone leaves your society citing being tired of it as the motivational factor in doing so. It’s twice as painful when that same person joins another society twice as quickly. I suppose that I can complain about how John butted in straight after Melissa’s post-mortem for the ball was underhanded and showed a total lack of respect. I suppose that I can complain about how he took advantage of me not being there to the extreme. I suppose that I can complain about him not having even the courtesy to tell me that he was planning to give a presentation about his idea after the post-mortem was done. I suppose that I can complain about him taking my own members away from me. I suppose that I can complain about the amount of trouble he gave all the other divisions during HELP Idol. Truth be told, I can’t be bothered anymore.

Before I go on, I’d just like to tell you that I’m not one to slander anyone on this blog. Granted, I’ve poked fun at the occasional acquaintance, but I’ve never meant to do anymore harm. And I still don’t. But I suppose that there’s nowhere else more convenient to vent out my grief and worry because this is just me, another anonymous blogger on the internet. And that’s how it stays, I suppose.

I first met John Chang back in 1999, when he was in Sri Cempaka. He had transferred from Sri KL earlier. I met him thru the old Cempaka bunch that I used to be close with (that’s another story for another day). I was dating Sandy at the time, and somehow or rather, we bumped into him at KLCC. So, technically, it was Sandy, me and John. Maybe it was sort of my fault, but Sandy and I were exhibitionists. Just that I didn’t expect John to tell my friends in Cempaka about it. I think he had a thing for my friend Christine back then (who didn’t?). That was the past. I just didn’t feel comfortable around him. We lost touch up til the Taman Negara trip last year. Now comes the funny part.

He was part of the 2002 BC committee, as the head of Sponsorship for the Cristo’s event. Helen told me that he had walked out, and that even when he was in the committee, he was barking orders more than helping out. Her fear was that he wouldn’t be productive during his second time. I tried to assure her that that was the past, and John confided in her that he had his reasons, but he’d do better with the new Council. No problems there, really. For a while, everything was good. Then HELP Idol came along.

I’ve heard the story from all angles. Firstly, from John’s own Logistical/Technical division. Secondly, from our adviser/project head Ms. Grace Lee. It’s quite hilarious, but sad at the same time. Some of the members believed that John was protecting them from doing too much work and from being used. Grace said that it was unfair in the sense, because she was the head, and she also felt let down in the way that John wasn’t communicating her ideas to his people. And that by undermining whatever authority she had, it was just plain rude. Things were much easier when she removed John and put Nicole (his deputy) in charge. Trivial things, like providing her with a name list of the committee that hadn’t been done at all were done within a day, thanks to Nicole.

Trivial things. My own memory of the kind of person that John is was after the Miss HELP Photogenic event (which was a fucking popularity contest, thank you, Lezel). I just asked him help take down one flyer off the wall. Just one. Really. Not all the flyers. Just one. One. I didn’t get the look of disgust on his face. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t do it. There’s no such thing as a small job. Something like that told me enough about him.

By this time you’re probably asking why I decided to let him stay on if I could ‘foresee’ whatever was going on. I couldn’t. I honestly trusted him. He voluntary decided to help out, which said loads. Not a lot of people would do that; not a lot of people do.

The Red Carpet. A few days before the event. We needed names and student ID numbers of the people going for the ball. We’d reminded him constantly for a month. He didn’t take them. Lena asked him if he could get some people to call up the guests during the day, with the Department phone. Nothing. In the end, Lena chided him. John screamed at her, threatening to bring his parents and their lawyer the next day. Helen screamed at him. Melissa slapped herself. Mary Ann rolled her eyes. And I just laughed. Because I’d let myself get fucked over. Brilliant, yea?

John Chang is arrogant. He’s egotistical. He doesn’t know humility or respect. He stares at himself in the mirror after working out (hey, this didn’t come from me). He isn’t that open to ideas other than his own. Which, in some cases, can be a good thing. He has the self-confidence to get things done, but at the same time, he doesn’t get into the business of being hands-on himself. An eclectic combination. I respected him and his ideas, because they were good, and most importantly, they worked. I still do. His NSO, New Student Organization (which needs a new name badly because it reminds me of a wrestling faction), sounds like a great idea. Friendly competition is fine. But the underhandedness of grabbing my own members from me behind my back is going a little too far. I can’t do anything about it. His proposal was solid. You can say that he’s a lot more deserving than me, in this regard.

I live by the mantra of he who lets himself get fucked deserves it. And in this case, I do. I wish him luck, though. I just wish things wouldn’t have to be this way. I guess I am a pacifist.

As for the Council? We’re down to 11 members. Slash off the sleeping members and it’s down to about, what, 8? Numbers are dwindling. And they might even dwindle further. It’s kind of sad to see that after much success, failure is inevitable. But when I think about how the Council was made of a skeleton crew last year, I don’t really feel that bad. I guess that I only feel sad because I’m fighting a losing fight. My vision for the Biz Council was to offer students a chance to enjoy their life in college, as opposed to just going through their academic paces. It still is.

This quasi-political stuff, this whole thing about whose proposal for events is better and all that, that’s utter bullocks. I just want students to enjoy their time. It’s nothing to do with power. It’s everything to do with fun. The word “professional” has been thrown around a lot of times during the organizing of the events for this year and last. Fuck the professionalism. We’re here to have fun. Everything that’s happened these past few months has made everything more complicated. People can’t get along. People acting like dicks. People thinking too much of themselves and too little of others. People not listening.

People are people. You’d say that I should deal with it and let it be. But being united’s a good feeling too, isn’t it? I guess that in the end, I couldn’t create that unity. A slacker president and a control freak vice. Maybe things were meant to be this way.

My vision was just to have fun in doing everything we do, and that we’d do it right. I’m starting to feel that I’m the only one with that vision.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Spoilers Herein.


I’m a big fan of spoilers. Maybe it’s in my nature to always turn to the last page of the novel to find out what happens in the conclusion, and then eventually work my way to the end. I have this belief that it’s a lot more fun knowing what happens in the end and then witnessing all the events that lead to that point in time (remember Memento?). But sometimes, just sometimes, you read some spoilers that screw with your head that you walk away with a numbing mindfuck knowing that everything or nothing could be true. The same can be said for the spoilers for The O.C. that I’ve seen. I’m obviously not going to reveal anything here, because for starters, I don’t like being an authority on something that hasn’t even been revealed yet, and secondly, that’d just spoil the fun.

The O.C. has been brilliant. It’s one of those shows that’re so glossy, you can’t put them down. Production values are high, the music is good, the people are beautiful, and the show has some warmth to it, in a way. The dialogue is quick and witty, while there are cringe inducing moments. I suppose that what we see on television is what we want for ourselves, and The O.C. represents that fully. I wouldn’t mind living in a mansion by the sea with a Range Rover and a BMW in the driveway. With an ex-girlfriend who's the hottest girl ever in high school history. In a school with a penchant for hosting great events. It is the life that we’re all missing out on. Except for the real people who live those lives. They’d probably say that it’s not all that exciting. I suppose that once you get used to something…

Tuesdays are God’s way of telling us that we survived Monday. I don’t feel like going to college today, and maybe I can sort of just laze my way around the house while finishing off on my Relationship Marketing assignment. Sleep is good, I suppose.

Right now I’m craving for a burger. I have to fight the urges. Must resist temptation. Besides, it’s midnight and I’ve got no money in my wallet and going out to withdraw money from an ATM just to have a value meal doesn’t sound all that worth it. Even though the ATMs aren’t operational anymore. I don’t understand it…they’re left functioning for 24/7, but we can’t withdraw money from 12 a.m. to 6 a.m. Unbelievable.

I can almost taste the McDeluxe. Not good. Fight the urge.

Friendster Loop.


In a move of unparalleled silliness, and certain daftness, I’ve gone on and created a new blog. On Friendster, no less. It’s admittedly quite exhilarating, but I have no idea how long this love affair with the new blog will last. Fear not, for you won’t have to go there for anything new. In fact, most of the stuff here will be nicely pasted onto the blog at hand. Except that posts there will probably be a lot more random and sardonic than the usual Tai fare found here. On the bright side, the template is pink…something I’ve always wanted this blog to be, but never did in the fear that nobody would take me seriously. Though I doubt anyone does at this point. Pardon the self-consciousness, by the way…looking at my position, it’s not really that justified.

But for those of you who’d like to take a look at the new blog (there’s only one introductory posting as of now), the url is http://intransigence.blogs.friendster.com/findfcukforget. There you go.

And this might be another way of desperately trying to get more people to add me as their friends, but please click on that “Add as Friend” link to…add me as a friend. Because we all know that the number of “friends” we have on our networks contributes to the positive image of our social skills, and is a testament to our popularity. Of course.

The Friendster addiction is almost complete. Through the countless surveys that we see in our bulletin boards, to the whole blogging fiasco, Friendster might be one of the few sites that I actually spend a significant amount of time on.

That’s not good.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Stick A Needle Into My Veins.


I'm not a big fan of politics. Sometimes I feel sickened by the circus that our friendly ministers and representatives bring about, though I do understand that it's all a part of a bigger game that's beyond my comprehension. I see nothing wrong with a politician as long as he or she does the people's bidding, but is that the case usually? With cases of corruption and whatnot thrown against the wall every year, more and more people are losing faith in the men and women whom they have appointed to look after their communal interests. Certain projects that should not have been initiated spring up, and the cries of unfair play and scrutiny go unheeded. Aid is not granted for those who require of it badly, while every now and then, the perfect photo op in the form of a gotong royong event gives your friendly representatives a perfect opportunity to show the world that they're hands-on practitioners, willing to sacrifice some sweat and submit to some toil for the people.

Bullocks.

But I'm not here criticizing our nation's politicians, as crooked and cunning as they are. The MCA Wanita Kepong branch is made up of old ladies...my aunt being their Deputy Head. I went to a blood/urine test today, courtesy of the organization, and sat down in the pantry of the Kolej Metro Prima after giving in my...uh...fluids. And there they were...old ladies, chattering away, the kind of old ladies with the frizzie perms and the cheongsam tops, that you'd probably find in your neighbourhood either power walking their way through a morning or practicing tai chi in the gardens. Except that this bunch of ladies made up part of the higher echelon of the Kepong branch. They've probably been doing it for years. Remember in the Matrix Reloaded, when Neo points something out about how the council has no young men to Councillor Hamann? It's the same thing, in spirit. I looked around the table and I was telling myself that these distinguished ladies were a part of something bigger. But why did I get the funny feeling that there wasn't anyone younger? Was it because it was a Sunday and they had better things to do? Who knows? I remember how my aunt was trying to recruit members for the MCA. My aunt is considered part of the youngbloods. But will I let the fate of my country be determined by a bunch of people who may have experienced the second coming of the diaper (a bit harsh, i know)?

Probably. Because it was willed so.

None of us like the idea of people staying in power for too long. In the world of Star Wars, Palpatine cronied and schemed his way through the Clone Wars, mindfucked everyone and became Emperor. In America, Bush cronied and schemed his way through the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq, mindfucked everyone and became President for the second time. I suppose that it was wishful thinking, guessing that Kerry was ever going to get off the ground like he did. Mahatir was the only head of state most of us know. I suppose that changes can't be made to the system because the ultimate desire is stability. And if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But I go back to the table, with these old ladies dunking their biscuits into their coffee and Ovaltine, and I wonder: why? And how many more of these branches have the same situation? Wouldn't it be good to inject new life into everything?

An idealist becomes jaded and cynical eventually. We all do. Some of us live it in phases, while for others, it's a permanent thing. But for those people whom we put into power, they should be consistenty delivering because we put them there. Their willingness to help out should shine through. It's quite sad to see that the only way of being able to help the people sometimes would be to play the game of politking. There're people out there who need help, and they should be given it without hesitation. Sometimes the wakil rakyat is a big farce; sometimes it has its uses.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Empty Headcases and Itchy Scalps.


No, don't worry. I don't have dandruff. I'm just quite bored out of my mind. Saturday nights are getting more and more uneventful. On the bright side, today wasn't a total loss, because I managed to catch both Sin City and the 20th episode of The O.C., which is really one of those redeeming things in my life. Yes, a I find comfort in watching a television show about SoCal teens and their twisted lives, but everybody wants to be a voyeur of sorts (and I don't mean that in a gross way). Voyeurism, whether or not you find pleasure in it from webcams to MSN Messenger's new Windows Media Player plug-in (I'm giving them a plug of my own) is big. Big enough to find a mass following. Looking into people's lives and getting an introspective for ourselves has never been bigger. You see it in 'reality' television, and a million different things. Life is real, and that's the way we want it ordered.

Meanwhile, I'm deliberating over whether my life is its own drama. I always used to think that it wasn't, but if you put the trials and tribulations of everyone you knew as a television plot, I think we'd all be megastars in our own right. Think The Truman Show, except that it's you who's the star.

Nothing wrong with that. As Moby said, we are all made of stars.

Lord. I'm bored. My constant whining of wishing for something to blow up outside has gone unheeded since the burning of the Indian stall. I'm not asking for firecrackers...just one big explosion to keep the neighbourhood talking for a few days.

Bummer. We're almost into the lazy summer.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Prelude to a Kiss.


The kiss is a wonderful thing. Whoever devised the mouth as a contact surface for a show of affection was a genius. If you imagine it, the oral orifice as a tool of affection is rather brilliant. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines a kiss as:

1 : a caress with the lips
2 : a gentle touch or contact
3 a) a small drop cookie made of meringue, b) a bite-size piece of candy often wrapped in paper or foil
4 : an expression of affection

Truth be told, the kiss is vital to any relationship. Some people put all hopes on the first kiss. Others aren't so particular. But no matter where you are, there's probably been only one person you've kissed that really fits in a sense. Their mouth is the right shape, it always feels warm, and, most importantly...it feels right. Some people are lucky if they experience that more than twice in a lifetime. Sometimes you lose it, I guess.

Yes, I know what some of you are thinking..."he's heading in that direction". And you'd probably be expecting me to drop a line about lament. I won't. Because this is about kisses, not me. Not yet.

Calvin's dad always said about how the anticipation for something was just as beautiful as the reward. The same goes for a kiss. Those few moments before the actual contact are priceless. The anticipation. The waiting. The urge to just go all out and be ravenous. The knowledge that what happens after is pure desire. Sure, it's love...but can we stand to be in a relationship without kisses? Some of us can, yes. But for others, a kiss can be different. It can be sacred. It can be deadly. It can be sinful. It can betray. Judas kissed Jesus in Gethesmane. But let's not go there.

My preference for what should be in a kiss? Something warm. Something that I'd want to go back to over and over again. To see a smile on the face on whoever's on the other end every time. To know that they get as much out of it as I do. It doesn't have to be the best kiss in the world...only the best kiss to me. It has to be perfect to me; because I'd expect them to feel the same way of it. I know the feeling. And I want it badly now. Some of us are adamant to only kiss those who we love. And, as strange as it sounds, I agree. But then again, it would depend on your definition of a "relationship".

I think that these days, things have been cheapened. It'd be great to see something as simple as a kiss get the respect that it deserves. I'm not going to go into the premarital sex debate, because that's totally up to the people in it. I'm just here, talking about a kiss. The kiss. Not nose rubbing. Just kisses.

Some people have to wait their whole lives til they find that perfect one. I was luckier once. Hopefully I can be fortunate again.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Trick Is To Keep Breathing.


I don't consider myself as a bum. I do consider myself a master procrastinator, but not a bum. Bums are people who sit around at home and do absolutely nothing...I, on the other hand, brood silently over what to do with my life from time to time. Bums have no conscience and don't care. I am conscientious. Or at least I think I am. Truth be told, waking up at 2 in the afternoon certainly has its benefits: I've skipped breakfast, and I've skipped lunch...I'd only need to eat one meal today, and it wouldn't be so bad (unless I was going to Hartz). So, waking up at 2 p.m. is good. In a way.

I know that deep inside of me, my inner Jedi is probably trying to invoke some sort of remorseful mood for not being more of what I should be: a noble warrior, diligent, enterprising, determined to make a difference in his life. But, for today, I can honestly say this: I don't care. I have a day off to just sit around at home and do nothing at all. It might sound like a drag to some people, but I kind of like it. After my constant moaning and bitching about not having time to do what I want, I've got it. I think this whole week is going to be like this. No obligations to go to college (besides the odd lecture, but I actually can go straight home after those and not stay for some prolonged discussion amongst people who take absolutely no interests in what I really want to do). I can sleep in for a bit. I can even start work early on my assignments (and lay waste to the title of master procrastinator). I can do all these things.

So why do I feel so guilty?

I told you that I was conscientious.

Yesterday came and went rather plainly. But I felt good about being in college just for being in college. Coming home was a delight. It's like I always say...the moment I set foot into the car after a long day, I feel liberated. I tend to feel liberated over a lot of things. Kicking a football. Fragging a bot. Writing a song. Sleeping. In that sense, I suppose that I'm easy to satisfy but difficult to please. I guess that I've turned into some sort of a monster. But, hey...I'm still here, aren't I? That should count the most.

This whole bumming phase isn't a surprise. I was like this 2 years ago, where every day, at the wee hours of the morning, we'd meet up at Si Wan's house and hang out for lord knows what. And that was a 2 week stage of life, where I actually had a bunch of "cool" friends. I'm not one for cliques, but that felt awfully liberating as well. I know that sitting around, outside a car at 3 in the morning and talking isn't exactly what most people would label as fun, but trust me, it really was. Those were good times...you can sort through the blogs and read about them. Lord knows what I've written. I suppose that it wasn't really what I'd call a bumming phase...I was only embracing what tainted youth I had left.

But is this what it's all about? Retaining my vigor (that sounds so wrong...ala in need of Viagra)? Despite my desire to graduate with a degree and find work, there's this part of me telling me that I shouldn't do that quite yet. That my life will change for the worst once that happens. That my desire to live my life the way I want to will be quashed when I move on to that next step. I can understand why people would want to do that. Success, financial independence, whatever. But I don't feel ashamed to be still living off my father and mother. It's wrong to say that it's their obligation to do so for me, since I am 21, but...in a way, it's their responsibility. Maybe that's a bad excuse. But the point is, I might no longer be who I am once I go out there. I already know that who I am now is far enough from the plot to initiate a rethink.

Some of those I know who've graduated and are working envy me (God Bless you, Matt). And they're some of those who're working who like to be condescending to the bum. And to them, I say that I do respect and admire you for the fact that you can carry a great amount of responsibility. But fuck you for looking down on me. Because while I understand I'm going to be in your shoes, working away for a better future, that's not my place now. I'll be there, eventually. And I'm not going to like it. And neither should you.

The way I live my life has nothing to do with the fact that I want a better one. Almost.

Two kids. A happy home. A nice car in the garage. A garden. Air conditioning. Picnics. Soccer games. Those little pools. A dog. Or a cat. A lot of love to spread. That's what I want.

That's what I need to work for.

Monday, April 18, 2005

the ungodly hour.


it's not that late. it's almost dawn on a monday morning, but considering the amount i slept through in the day before, i don't think i'm that tired. in fact, i feel almost refreshed of sorts. i've just completed the main assembly of the project management assignment [which is something new to me], with further assembly required later in the morning. whenever that is. since i'm adamant on not sleeping, i've got to do the laundry before going to college, as well as have the massive breakfast that i deserve. as far as i'm concerned, the next week should be quite relaxed, if only because i don't have any deadlines or extracurricular activities to worry about. for now, anyway. i can't wait to come home from college later and record a song. it's been a while. the pc's been reformatted, and it's raring to go. and right now i'm listening to the majestic sounds of sometimes you can't make it on your own. which just grows and grows on you even more each time you listen to it.

but i'm not here to preach about the all-healing effects of u2's music.

the last few days have been pure helter skelter. i had a statistics test on saturday [an ungodly day to have a test], at 10 o'clock [an ungodly time to have a test], at wisma perdana [an ungodly place to have a test]. and after that, i had to fret about the project management assignment...because i didn't know to do it. i have to give myself credit...12 hours ago, i was rather blur about the assignment...now i'm just rather blur. mondays come and go, but if the day is going to be as light as i hope it's going to be, it's going to be one of those few mondays which i can say i do enjoy. a good start to the week.

apologies on the lack of blog entries. i think i've been too busy having fun the last week. whether or not it was blowing money to go to hartz and hardly eat, or hang at justin's for a whole day, or to transverse to ampang for a begotten meal, it's been a good week. the star wars mania is still set on, as episode three looms closer and closer over the horizon. i can't hardly wait. the inner geek in me has been unleashed. after all, it's not everyday that you read message boards and forums, is it? not for me, anyway. not that i'm saying that i was never a geek...i think i'm more of a closet geek. then again, as it's been said, the lines have been blurred.

i'm mighty proud to be a fanboy.

til later.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I Always Wanted To Watch The Sunrise With You.


I’m lonely. It’s a Wednesday morning, it’s 5, and I should be sleeping. Should being the operative term today. I’ve spent the majority of the day at college and at Justin’s, and now I’m back here, in my humble abode, biding time until the sandman cometh and takes me away. My dreams of late have been bizarre. Past acquaintances have come to haunt me, and memories have sort of been flooding in. I know that they’re memories in my dreams, but I lose whatever grasp I had on them when I wake up. Maybe this is my subconscious mind telling me to get a life. Whatever works for me, I suppose.

This last week has been a constant blur. The ball went off smoothly enough, but not enough to garner an impression that would be forever everlasting in the memories of those who attended. Better luck next year? You bet your ass it’s going to happen. I could bore everybody with logistical details, as well as the setbacks that were encountered, but I can’t be bothered. Some things are better kept silent, I suppose. Not that mentioning it to anybody would make much of a difference.

This is supposed to be a study break period, but I’ve done nothing but go to college. It has to stop. I haven’t started the Project Management assignment [until today, it’s really been no fault of my own], I haven’t studied for the Statistics test, and I haven’t watched enough of The O.C. to be satisfied. I still have games to play [since nobody’s gotten to me about the PlayStation], I still have books that I’d love to read [Crime and Punishment, anybody?], I still have comics to browse through. I have a life that I’d love to get back to, but the circumstances suggest otherwise. As always.

I guess that time is the only constant in life. It doesn’t stop for you, but always proceeds at a consistent rate. How we manage it is the bummer. Right now I’ve got a mix of a headache and a case of absolute fatigue. Five hour nights aren’t my idea of appropriate periods of rest. Not if I continually keep them up. There used to be a time when I could’ve survived without much of a problem, but I guess that the joke is on me now.

I’m getting old. The realization that aging is another constant in the game of time is yet another bitch that we have to list down. Everybody’s got a list of things to do before they die…though I’m not sure if I ever made one for myself. I suppose that now would be a good time to prioritize and tell myself what I really want to do, but I can’t decide. It would probably be *form rock band and become multimillionaire* up there at #1. Probably. I suppose that we can always indulge ourselves in a little dreaming once in a while.

Ah, well. Back to the part about being lonely. I just feel empty, in a way. I’ve felt empty for a while, and it’s rather distressing. Everyone around me is getting hooked up. I’m hooked up myself, but I need something…Force-bound. God, I don’t believe in Destiny…it’s bad enough that we have to struggle through life wondering why we have to struggle in the first place…but I’d like to know that at the end of the day, everything works out for everybody because that’s the way that it’s supposed to be…not just because we have to make a choice about it.

But I guess that we’ll never be able to find out. As a child, I used to be obsessed over death. What would happen? Where would we go? As far as I know right now, I don’t want to know, and I hope that I never find myself in a situation where the chances of finding out the answers to the two questions posed too soon. I guess that everyone has a lot to live for.

What fuels you? What’s your desire? What’s your passion? Your love? Your…flavour? And how much are you willing to give to ensure that you get it? Once upon a time, out of naivety, I used to think that I would be willing to fight for anything that I wanted because it was what I wanted. Now, I just concede and accept defeat. Some might say that it’s because maturity has kicked in, and left me feeling that kicking and screaming my life away won’t do anything. The truth? I’ve given up. The spark has left me. What fueled me to fight for what I wanted went away…the moment it went away. And that’s sad.

It’s sad because I thought I’d be stronger.

It’s sad because I thought it’d last a lot longer than this.

It’s sad because although I want a lot of things back, I’ll never be able to get them back.

Never is a strong word to use, I imagine. A bit too extreme, especially for my flaky self. I know what I want. I know what you want. You know what you want. You know what I want. There’s no middle ground to this. The truth is, we probably live our lives with the regret of knowing that things were never supposed to be the way they are…everyday. Wrong choices are made everyday. The consequences of which are earth-shattering to all of us.

Where’s the cosmic balance in all this? Whatever happened to us? Where did it all go wrong? And are we even bothered anymore? We wait, anticipate, hesitate for things to happen. Maybe I should just go ahead and do what I really want to do. The bigger risk than not getting what you want is never trying to find out whether or not it would’ve been. Whatever is a bitch. If is a bitch.

What do you want from all this?

Stop. Rewind. And think twice. Life is a bitch. Learn how to love. Learn how to live. And feel free.

And to think that all this blabber came out because of a girl.

There’s nothing better than bittersweet sentimentality. Drown me in it.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

the game list.


here we are...as promised, all my gaming goodness catalogued. if anyone's interested, it's RM 2.50 a game (maybe less). fair price, seeing how it's second hand. it's amazing how everyone becomes a profiteer off from your sweat and toil. enjoy!
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001. alias
002. alien hominid
003. amplitude
004. the bard's tale
005. bmx: xxx
006. burnout 2
007. burnout 3
008. capcom vs. snk 2
009. capcom fighting evolution
010. celebrity deathmatch
011. charlie's angels
012. dark angel
013. devil may cry
014. devil may cry 3
015. dragonball Z budokai
016. driver 3
017. enter the matrix
018. escape from monkey island
019. james bond 007: everything or nothing
020. evil dead: a fistful of boomstick
021. fifa 2003
021. fifa 2004
022. fifa 2005
023. fight night 2004
024. final fantasy x-2
025. freedom fighters
026. the getaway
027. the getaway: black monday
028. gran turismo 3
029. grand theft auto 3
030. grand theft auto: vice city
031. grand theft auto: san andreas
032. the guy game
033. hot shots golf 3
034. hulk
035. kingdom hearts
036. tomb raider: the angel of darkness
037. legends of wrestling II
038. legends of wrestling: showdown
039. liverpool club football
040. the lord of the rings: the two towers
041. the lord of the rings: the return of the king
042. the lord of the rings: the third age
044. mafia
045. may payne 2: the fall of max payne
046. mega man anniversary collection
047. metal gear solid 2: sons of liberty
048. monopoly party
049. nba jam
050. nba live 2003
051. nbs street vol. 3
052. need for speed: hot pursuit 2
053. need for speed: underground
054. nhl 2004
055. premier manager 2004-2005
056. the punisher
057. onimusha 3: demon siege
058. playboy: the mansion
059. rise to honour (jet li)
060. robotech: invasion
061. rockman x 7
062. sega tennis
063. silent hill 3
064. the simpsons road rage
065. smackdown: shut your mouth
066. smackdown: here comes the pain
067. smackdown vs. raw
068. speed kings
069. spider-man 2
070. splinter cell: pandora tomorrow
071. star wars: battlefront
072. street racing syndicate
073. ssx3
074. street fighter ii anniversary edition
075. state of emergency
076. stuntman
077. summer heat beach volleyball
078. taiko drum master (japanese)
079. tekken 5
080. test drive: overdrive
081. teenage mutant ninja turtles
082. the thing
083. toca race driver
084. tokyo xtreme racer zero
085. tokyo xtreme racer 3
086. tony hawk's pro skater 4
087. tony hawk's underground
088. tony hawk's underground 2
089. total club manager 2005 (fifa)
090. trivial pursuit
091. true crime: streets of l.a.
092. viewtiful joe
093. way of the samurai 2
094. wolverine's revenge
095. wreckless: the yakuza missions
096. x-men: next dimension
097. x-men: legends
098. yourself fitness
099. zone of the enders 2

Saturday, April 02, 2005

lady gotham.


why does a search for 2 particular star wars dvds always end up with something totally unrelated? i was in ss2 tonight, set on finding the phantom menace and attack of the clones, when the first three batman films were found in the bargain bin...RM 20 for 3. batman, batman returns and batman forever. i couldn't resist. i was seduced to the dark side...at least to the dark knight. (somehow, that doesn't sound quite right).

dinner was spent at mcD's with kelvin (who makes interesting dinner company, but only when he's conscious), and then we went to ss2 for porrige. yummy. i was tempted to have some kuey teow, but he managed to talk me out of it.

tomorrow's going to be spent purchasing 1000 pages of cream coloured paper for the ball's programme booklet. excellent.

on a side note, i bought yourself fitness and nba street vol. 3 today, and, lo and behold...they didn't work. that's piracy for you. someone said something about major ps2 incompatibility issues. maybe what i need is a new one.

just kidding. but seriously, if you're thinking of purchasing a ps2 or an arseload of ps2 games, don't hesitate to buzz me.

Friday, April 01, 2005

How Peculiar.


I have the best girlfriend in the world. Despite the fact that I’m a less than understanding cad who prides himself on being a chauvinist with a heart of gold within, she sees through all that and manages to touch me where it pulsates the most: my mind (or what’s left of it, looking at the way that things are going right now). May sent an SMS message a few days back, stating that she was fine in Brisbane and had gotten me some “stuff”. I do hope it’s good. I mean, it’s like, Australia…how right could it be? I hope it’s expensive. I hope it’s unique. I hope that it makes me go wild.

But I haven’t forgotten that eternal adage: it’s the thought that counts.

And I, on the other hand, do not think. Sod me.

I’ve discovered that Tom Yam flavoured instant noodles are an industry to themselves. At least that’s what the brains behind Thailand’s Wai Wai instant noodles would like you to think. They have a normal Tom Yam package, a chili paste Tom Yam package and a shrimp flavoured Tom Yam package. Exquisite. I took the chili paste pack. 5 packs for RM 2.90. That’s the same going rate for a 5-pack of Maggi Tom Yam noodles.

But that’s not all. The Wai Wai noodles have one truly redeeming quality about them: they have girls on the packaging. The chili paste packaging (what I have) has a cute Thai girl with a protruding tongue on it. Oh, the innuendo. The shrimp flavoured (or standard whatnot) has not one, but two girls on the cover. And the remaining contender has a cheap CG’d cybergirl on it.

Not my style. But c’mon, RM 2.90, fresh from Thailand, with girls on the packaging. You’ve got to admit, you can’t go wrong there.

The weekend is coming. It’s 3 on a Friday morning and I’m about to sleep. The weekend is coming. With work.


Fucking brilliant.