Saturday, August 30, 2003

"one step closer"
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to independence, that is. to mark tonight as the eve of malaysia's national day, i decided to go all out and do something that would underline my own independence. a little bit each day, i guess. so i took some rice from the fridge that wasn't being used, took out some vegetables and salmon and sieved them [they were in soup] and then i got two pans...and then...i cooked. fried, to be precise. something that i've never done before [save frozen chicken nuggets and eggs], and i made myself fried rice. soggy [either from too much oil or water, i say oil], not too saltish. it tasted good. even though it was crap. go figure. i don't know, it just felt good. even the clean up, which was massive, seeing how i used too many containers and whatnots [i used another pan to fry the salmon and then poured the contents in - oil notwishstanding]. like i said, it's a step closer to independence. save the fact that all ingredients were provided for by my mother, and that i stay in my father's house and i'm about to go broke if i don't beg him for money repeatedly until he caves in.

but it still felt good.

independence. my cat's getting it, too. she doesn't stay downstairs with me anymore. she prefers the chaos upstairs, with the television blaring, though she does try to come down and sleep here from time to time. she prefers having sardines upstairs rather than having cat food that's better than anything i'd ever eat [if i was in her place]. she's got a bad attitude, with claws and teeth to match. but she still needs me for a hug, a scritch, a scratch...even though it's seldom.

i feel like a father with an adolescent daughter.

the lesson is, no matter how independent we need to be, we definitely still need support. just look at my enter the matrix completion that li vern pulled out of the hat, or the fact that the primary hardware i'm using to type this all out with wouldn't have been possible without justin's help. or the fact that my mother provided the ingredients, or the fact that my father provides much of everything else. if he knew what it was he provided. it's all a long network of support. no man is an island.

that reminds me of hugh grant quoting jon bon jovi in about a boy. i think.

speaking of independence, my aunt had to put on a malaysian flag onto her car. last night. i guess it's better to join the party late than not joining it at all. i'd just love to see how long it stays there. makes me wonder...malaysians are never really bothered about anything until it's too late, but with all the flags on the cars that we see today, how many flags are going to be remaining after independence day?

food for thought. and speaking of which, i'm still hungry.
"quicksand"
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mid valley megamall. li vern says that the place is slowly, but surely, sinking. it's basically too heavy for itself, and it's sunken to about 4 inches in the last 2 years since it's existence. nobody expected the kind of crowds it pulls now. but still, i guess that the main structure of the building was inspected and approved of, otherwise the place would never have taken off like it has, yea? so even if we can blame the igb corporation for sciffy building, can't we blame the government for not at least looking at it in every possible fashion and tell the developers to take a chill pill and work it out? who's irresponsible now? and even if the public was armed with the knowledge that it's happening [which it probably is], would they care? the place isn't going to cave in anytime soon, is it? not likely. people still throng the damn place. so where've we gone wrong? [li vern's beautiful volvo got hit by some debris that came off cititel and were pleaded to keep it hush-hush].

ah, well. you had to know it first.
"freejack"
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sometimes i wonder if i live up to my parents' expectations. although they've split and everything, i'm pretty sure that after all this time, they still have this idea of what they want me to be and how they'd like to see me. it's funny, really, because i've given at least 5 different ambitions since i was aged 5, and nothing, nothing, has materialized since then. it's one of those things when your parents are just itching to tell you to get out of the house, but they can't, simply because you're their son. though i've almost been disowned by my father once. that's a funny story for another time.

expecatations are something that we can never be free from. the promise of becoming something better always applies pressure to ourselves in the most uncomplimentary way. we stay up late at night studying, rush to get our work done perfectly, and we have to maintain our standards once we get on with it all. it's not easy being perfect, they say, and i guess that's pretty bloody obvious. i bet you that they're a lot of incarnations of people like me -- guys who probably can do better, have the desire, but never came around to it simply because...they didn't. and now i think that i'm starting to feel the after effects of letting most of everybody down.

tragic? perhaps. according to sofia in vanilla sky, every second is another chance to turn it all around. or some variant of that statement, i don't know. and she's right. and there's nothing better than seeing penelope cruz deliver that line. but that's yet another story for another time.

nothing's really caved in for me, simply because i haven't really met any expectations. there was that outlandish distinction i got for management for my diploma [which everybody, and i mean everybody, subsequently forgot] but other than that, it's been a pretty quiet time for your noble hero here. i've still got some time left...so...what t'do?

the suspense is just killing me.

Friday, August 15, 2003

"great satan/god's country"
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the current elections race for the governorship for california is just damn good fun. i don't know if schwarzenegger is going to win, but i hope he does, because if so, it's just going to prove how incredibly great america is. look at it: you've got people from larry flynt to a porn actress to a chick who wants better roads for her car to a woman who's 99 to an i/t geek to...jesus, the list is long and plenty. anyone can be in, it seems, and that's democracy. if you don't think america's great after this, there's something truly wrong with you.

whether or not america is in the food you eat, the clothes and shoes you wear, the music you listen to, the car you drive, your stereo, your jeans, whatever, it's there to be taken in and loved. coca cola. harley davidson. mcdonald's. starbucks. i could go on. and on. and on. it just sucks you in on a whole level. like justin would say, it's damn good fun. a four year frat party where college and a degree course would be for the rest of the world. blondes. smart ones.

michael jackson. brrrrrrrrr.

sure, the governments a bit off, but let's just put it in simple terms.

wtc gets bombed.
america strikes back. hard.

it's a firecracker/atom bomb comparison. to protect the american penis, you have to penetrate twice as hard. and you can quote me on that one. it's the american way, isn't it? in all fairness, though we might see it as extreme, think about how they feel about it. would you want to cut the hand off the one who's stealing your cheddar? after some thought, i realized that i would. sad, though, patriotism that can be found in the barrel of a gun. oh, well.

all the borders in the worle can't keep america out. america is the collection of the best ideas that you and i ever had. america is madness. america is fun. america is the evolution of the muscle car. america is the action movie. america gave you rock 'n roll.

embrace america? you might not want to. but unless you're a true extremist, deep down inside, you already have.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

"love thy neighbour"
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malaysian patriotism: myth or fact? we've done a lot of things: crossed the english channel, we've got the world tallest buildings, the world's tallest flagpole, even our own so-called malaysian book of records that it just appears that we have something better than the worst part of an inferiority complex. sure, they've been some things that we've done that've truly been useful in a political and global sense, but that just pales in comparison to the other things that we've done in the name of love for our country. i love the place as the guy next to me, but sometimes, it can be taken a tad bit too far.

being one of the few people in kuala lumpur without astro, i'm subjected to two national channels run by the government, and two other private networks [to be soon joined by the yuppie channel...i can't wait!]. now, i can definitely appreciate private programming, but i remember when there used to be all these patriotic songs that were aired on the government stations. which was just hillarious. it still is, when you look at the film archives of the national film archives being shown to the tunes of...erm...well, a number of songs.

flag waving is being encouraged. no doubt, i don't mind that. along with my separated parents, empty bank account, dwindling social life, assignment deadlines, busted computer, shitting cat, quasi-skateboarding, uncompleted brilliant album, yes, sure, i wouldn't mind flying the flag. let's put it simply as this. on merdeka day, if you're not either staying at home, not bothered, or at merdeka square, about to enjoy the festivities by second tier artistes, you're more than likely to be clubbing the night away or in genting. or somewhere which is nowhere near where you're meant to be.

i'm sure that there's beauty in waving the flag around. somewhere. i'm sure that there's a sense of accomplishment in making the country's largest serving of nasi lemak. i guess. but sometimes, people can't be bothered. and there's nothing wrong with that. hypocrites.

and enough with the songs.

Saturday, August 09, 2003

"inertia"
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i don't easily commit myself to things. not to say that i don't easily commit to them, i just simply lose interest too soon to really say that i had any heart in them. among those things are probably video games, studying, and the odd diet or two. so when i stay with something for a while, it's usually a good sign for things to come. right now, my current desire is to learn how to skateboard properly...and standing outside 7-11 like an idiot on a board receiving tutelage from someone who's done it right at 2 a.m. in the morning takes a lot of commitment. then again, seeing how my original intention was to make a jackass out of myself by bailing stupidly, i guess that i'm a lot better now than when i started. skateboiarding is for now, i guess...even if i only do know how to travel a metre without falling off.

but it goes to show you how exposure can just lead you to do stupid things...i mean, i've always been a tony hawk gamer and all, but i never really got into it...even when hannz gave me the skateboard, there was a slight itch to learn, but it was truly only watching bam margera make an idiot of himself on jackass and seeing how they had so much fun skating that it really did bite me. and that was earlier in the evening today. yesterday. whatever. so there. i'm going to ride on the bloody thing [even though it could use new trucks and new wheels] whenever i can, just to tell myself that it's worth it. i mean, hey, if it's there, why not use it, yea?

i guess that commiting to something is more than just getting a swift kick in the pants every now and then...it's all about getting a quick swift in the pants all the time.

amen.

Friday, August 08, 2003

"across the road/across the country"
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mmm. good food at great prices. i know i keep on lauding the indian stall outside my house, but i just can't help it...i might be taking it a tad bit too far, but it feels like the perfect shack to me. it's right outside my house...right outside it. more or less. and it's cheap. and the food is alright. i've heard fellow neighbours say that it tastes like shit, but...it just fits the whole image of this little shack blasting indian music serving all this...masala. and did i mention the prices? it just makes me wonder if we really do bother about where it is we eat. even if your favourite place was placed right next to a drain, would you really mind all that much as long as the kuey teow was nice and hot and aromatic? no, yea:? beggars can't be choosers, like they say, and this is probably another great example of it.

speaking of begging, it's been nigh on two weeks since a road trip. i guess that the mapbook was bought for no reason, but, oh, well. as hannah is now on her way to pinang, i've got to go somewhere. maybe...pinang itself? that'd be cool, really, if we could pull that off. her mom said that she'd buy the road trip crew lunch if we went. which would be cool, really. if it'd happen. which sounds so fun, because it's been about 16 years since i last went to pinang.

all i know about pinang is three things: the pinang bridge, food and most importantly of all [i'm going to get a slap soon], pinang girls. wait, i'll hit myself.

ouch.

road trips were damn good fun. despite what justin says about the drive back being the wost part about it, i enjoy road trips as a whole [probably because recently i haven't been driving on them]. chasing trucks and overtaking 10 of them at a time, going to lumut and then to pangkor island doing absolutely nothing at all........it's fabulous. i'm not be sarcastic here. oh, well.

here i am, wishing that i was somewhere else. poor me. poor me.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

"punk"
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i was on the bus this morning, when in comes this guy - a mohawk [dyed with tail], a studded black leather jacket with the sex pistols emblazoned all over the back - and i was in awe. momentarily. in all respects, a punk [or whatever you could call one these days]. i bestowed upon him uncountless respect, no? admired him for a man who stuck to his guns, no?

no.

i recognized him as one of the sales assistants at blook, this boutique in bangsar. he's quite the affeminate man, if not totally. i don't know - call me old school or whatever, but i always considered punks as drug-taking, chain smoking men. i do not have anything against those on the other side of the fence, but i discovered that i want real men as punks, which might be wrong, from a historical perspective, seeing how they strode back and front when the movement first came out. which means that i'm thinking of it in terms of being a rock star - which he obviously isn't.

but i still say it's wrong, and quite off. though if i do see mr. affeminate again, i will not say anything [not like i have the guts to]. but i think it's still wrong. oh well. there goes the open-minded american in me. but at least it's an opinion. hate the game, not the player.


(side note): i'm tempted to shave my head again.
"no control"
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it annoys me whenever i take the public and see someone walk right up in front of a ticket machine and then whip out their wallet/purse/bag and then fumble around for their ticket and then put it in...then forgetting to take it back out once it's been cleared. magical. call me kooky, but i like getting ready for it - keeping it in my pocket and having it in my hand and doing whatever is called for. my level of preparedness is optimal, and it's all very important to me - which could be the antithesis of my slackerhood.

it's unsettling, really - i tend to think of myself as someone who's punctual, reliable [when he needs to be], and - strangely - efficient. slackerhood defined. i'm worrying myself. but that's probably why i'm such a slave to the system, especially now, when i'm writing all this to be typed out, on a saturday morning, waiting for a replacement class to start whe none of the people that i know better have shown up. terrible, isn't it? i fell asleep early, had a good rest, woke up, and did the whole routine again. willingly. i'm such an angel. i even put rubbish in its place.

but before i shower myself with undue praise, i still remember the classes i've missed, my penchant for not studying, and my preference for never doing anything at all - when a nice drink and video games would suffice. so let me just air it out to the world - yes, i AM a control freak at times, and yes, i make a terrible slacker, and yes, i feel terrible that some of my school mates are graduating [if they haven't already] - but i'm still here.

so while i end here, listening to audioslave in this small class, let me enjoy this saturday getaway and worry about who/what i am later. whenever that may be.

Friday, August 01, 2003

hiatus, hi-a 'tus, : a gap; break; lacuna; meeting of vowel sounds.

whatever. it's been quite an intersting month here, without seeing the internal workings of any microsoft operating system. it was starting to get lonely, not knowing what to do and how to do it. to cut a long story short, i'm using justin's classic p90 vaio [compaq presario from aeons ago] and it works like a charm. up to the point that you realize it's still a p90. like me stating that my proton is a 20 year old mitsubishi evolution 1. which it is. in my dreams.

it's amazing how our dependence on technology is so obvious...the only reason why i'm borrowing the pc is simply because i need to type and use a spreadsheet. ditto for the word processor, but this thing doesn't have excel. so...how? oh, well, at least i can type. and go online. and do all the things that i've been craving for. i might even buy this thing from justin, if i had the cash - and if he'd accept. it's just bloody cool. maybe i'll just spray my casing black. it works wonders.

i'm just so tired. the last few nights have been spent not sleeping, though that's probably really my own fault. i can safely say that i might be online for a while more tonight, seeing how that a) it's half an hour to 3 in the morning, b) i've got mail to send and c) i want to toture the cat and keep her awake to the sounds of frantic typing. which isn't really working right now. good girl.

so, here's a quick, quick update on the life of tai:-
xx) financial - pennywise
xx) academic - failed advanced business stats, accoladed through promotions management
xx) recreation - an average of RM 50 spent during weekends to explore the states of selangor, perak and pahang

there. i'm broke, not so diligent and i do very stupid things.

hallelujah. and right now, i'm hungry. most guaranteed, i'll be back.

because i am.