Sunday, February 29, 2004

"a little bit of brilliance"
----------------------------
the following are the lyrics to a song by damien rice, cannonball. it just put things into perspective. read and enjoy.
-------------------------------------
still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
still a little hard to say what's going on

still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that i can't say what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

still a little bit of your song in my ear
still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can't see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage!
teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall
and I don't want to scare her
it's not hard to fall
and I don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know
"stereophonics - maybe tomorrow"
------------------------------------------
been down and i'm wondering why
these little black clouds keep walking around with me, with me
waste time and i'd rather be high
think i'll walk me outside and buy a rainbow smile but be free, be all free
so maybe tomorrow i'll find my way home
so maybe tomorrow i'll find my way home

i look around at a beautifiul life
i been the upper side of down; been the inside of out
but we breathe, we breathe

i wanna a breeze and an open mind
i wanna swim in the ocean, wanna take my time for me, it's all free

so maybe tomorrow i'll find my way home
"indemnity"
---------------
the indian stall outside my house was burnt down last night...not the whole thing, but the cooking area. we can only speculate on what had started the fire, but i'd prefer not to say anything at all. all i can say, i really pity the owner. it's not like it was a thriving business, but he really did put his heart and time into it. it's been here in my neighbourhood for a long time now, and seeing it just go down like that is just sad. a mainstay of my neighbourhood [i'd dare call it an institution]. i don't know what happens now, but all i can say is, i guess i won't be having quick breakfasts or zippy meals any more. it sounds silly, just writing all this about a stall where you eat in, but i guess you'd have to be here to understand.

well, besides that, helen called me last night to confirm that we've got free entrace into viva after the ball. plus, we might also get discounts on drinks and such, but we'll probably need to write a proposal regarding it. so let's get it straight now: a ball, and then clubbing. that sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

yea, well. life does go on for some of us, i suppose.

Saturday, February 28, 2004

"the house that god built"
----------------------------------------
a few new developments have taken shape on the homefront. our rear roof is more or less complete, and it's semi-zinc and semi-transparent plastic [i'm not too good at identifying fibreglass], which makes it a semi-skylight. which is quite awesome, though it'd be a terrible waste of a house if it gets turned into a storeroom again. i guess we'll see. all our rooms have been painted over, with the exception of the kitchen and the hall downstairs. and right now, they're about to fix this awning. the way they're assembling the thing is impressive as it is...an endless tower of scaffolding...alright, not endless...but close enough.

on the council front, things are heating up coz we basically have a limited amount of time to do a google of things to do. [note to reader: if you don't already know, look up what "google" means]. i'll keep everyone posted. and i'll try to change the look of the blog. again.

Friday, February 27, 2004

"no"
friday, february 27th, 2004
-----------------------------------
okay. for starters, the blog is not supposed to look like this. i want my old template back, but there's nothing that i can do about it. lord, i hope the content is still good [hyah right!], but, yea...keep it coming.
"crawling"
friday, february 27th, 2004
----------------------------------
you think you're unstoppable
you think you're Queen
you think you're indominatable
baby, here's where you dream

i know i'm not worth the time it took
but you wrote the wrong rules in my book
now i'm getting back to you

you think that you can slip away
you think you've got a show
you think you're gonna levitate
there's something you should know

i didn't crawl on my way
i ran with the wind to see it through
i didn't crawl on my way
i ran to you

Thursday, February 26, 2004

"managing change [part ii]"
thursday, february 26th, 2004
--------------------------------------------------------
sometimes i don't know if not being there someone makes a difference to them. when someone has everything else that they need, is another burden from somewhere far away all that worth it? i don't know. it's hard to put faith in assuring yourself that everything will work out for the best. emotions are more like commodities, and we act upon instincts. nothing wrong with that, but sometimes, if principles and reasons overcome emotion, then...what's the point of feeling? yes, it does give rise to thinking, but without emotion, then what?

sometimes i wish that i could just take away everything i've said and just call it exuberance. but it's not, it's me, what i am. loyal to the end, and believing that all things can be worked out...to a mutually beneficial agreement. that sounds so technical, but...i guess i'm a positivist.

yea, well. i'm trying to get it, yea? i'm just trying.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

"managing change"
wednesday, february 25th, 2004
---------------------------------------------
okay. let's put it this way. it's rather easy. i can go on without her; but life wouldn't be as fulfilling. seriously, it's a strange thing to hear from anybody, no less a 20-year old who should be looking for something a little south from stability. this doesn't need one of those "4 guys sitting at table at nondescript coffee bar talking about girls and their habits" group huddles...this just needs some focused and practical thinking. here's the equation.

girl who doesn't love you anymore = past
and other girl with good prospects = future
lamenting over girl = silly

problem 1: i really do dig her. i won't even use the "L" word anymore.

of course, another problem is...i don't really want anything else. so, if not her...then it's obviously the bmw. like what i was telling kelvin today...having a girl is one thing, coz you never know when one might pop up...but "dude, the only thing standing between me and a new 3 series is a degree". wise words, ian, but...can you live up to it? oh, and that's another thing...maybe it's time to change back to ian from foo. i think ian represents some stregth left in foo enhanced by a good bit...while foo is just the all-round nice guy. ian is the all-round nice guy who's open, a bit brave and quite cool. though the latter might be hard to pull off.

it's 4:07 as i'm typing this now. bummer. gotta leave the house in...what...3 hours? joy.

managing change. not very well, thank you.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

"fresh"
----------
i don't know where the logic is in taking three management subjects when you're a marketing major. likewise, i don't see why you shouldn't take relationship marketing when you've got a few friends who're taking it as well. and in typical tai fashion, be it ian or foo, the person in question is me.

(i) organisational behaviour
(ii) professional and business ethics
(iii) asia-pacific business

silly, isn't it? yea, well, i guess three subjects is better than two. i really do hope that i get through them. especially since i'm going to be alone in all of these.

yea, whatever.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

"an ode to no one at all"
------------------------
it's just silly, thinking about one person and feeling so...affected. afflicted. affected and afflicted. maybe it's some new-age sensitive male thing that i'm going through. y'know...that one girl that meant the most because...she just did. it holds countless, infinite, definitions. what makes up a title like that? the one that meant the most because she just did? you'd think that as you get older, you'd probably get over questions like these...you'd probably tell yourself, there's no such thing as something that falls perfectly into place, and you'd be right, because there isn't. just that, once in a while, someone comes along and there's a fit. it's better than a jigsaw puzzle, because there're no partitions, and everything's great. she looks great, she feels great, she even smells great...and she's yours.

your dreams, needs, wants, all achieved.

i'm pretty sure that we all want "stable" relationships, interwoven with the occasional hug and snuggle and snog, that makes us all the more emotionally "stable". well, thanks to you, my life is a consistent round of cigarettes and video games, and i may break into the foray of downloading anime just to satisfy my insatiable self. and i have to admit, i'm not taking any of this well at all, because it's hard to accept that something so insanely queer and quirky and fun can just be ruined because life suddenly came along and revealed to you secrets that i still don't get. yes, the fault is mine for freaking out, but distance and precedent took priority in my mind, and that really was my fault...but if i can say something that does't justify anything i've said over and over again, i really have learnt from it and i can really say that spatiality is something that people achieve through practice and trial/error, and that's where we were going to be headed to...compromise, something that i couldn't give you before because i was too damn selfish for my own good.

we were talking about how changing ourselves wouldn't be right because we wouldn't be ourselves, but i disgress, i really do, because consciously changing myself for the better isn't all that bad...something that i'd willingly do because i'd want to still have a chance with the person who means the most to me. you could say that rainbows come and go, and so do people, fish in the sea being plentiful, whatever, i don't know. i'm mulling, depressed, angry, crying, broken. i see your picture and i lose my breath, my heart tugs, and i call myself an idiot and a fool and a loser because the best best best thing ever just went away like that. i believed in you, and now i don't quite know what to believe in. solace in God? no doubt, but i thought that God gave me the best break ever by letting me be with you, and then i had to lose it all again through whatever it was. whatever it was, i swear that i was going to see it through with you because i loved you and because i was going to do the damn best job for you, and only, you.

no doubt, you can, but you've truly left my bitter and longing for you even more, and i've got no idea what to do with myself now. you're free, and i'm still trapped in something that i wanted badly for the both of us, something that i still truly want now. nobody can replace you, and that just sucks, because you're supposed to be replaceable, changeable, like some part, but you're more than that to me, and i'd be lying if i said that this is just child's play. as cheesy as it sounds, i really put a lot of myself into seeing that everything with you was the way it was. maybe i'm overanalytical, thinking, wondering, i don't know, i just want you. i can't prove it to you, but i really, really do. it just sucks, it hurts, and worse of all, i still think about you all the time.

you ask me what if i'm the only one feeling this, and you know what? i think it's just sad if you don't feel an iota, and you might not even feel it at all, and when i walk away from you now, i'm just going to sit down and wonder if you'd even think about the possibilities, because life is full of possibilities and my possibilities were securely placed with you.
"reflection"
--------------
sometimes when i wake up, i wonder if that person in the mirror really is me. unshaven, scruffy, balding. i'm getting older but i'm not moving anywhere in the world; not in the direction that most people would like to see me go. the constant flagging of questions regarding my academic status, my own nagging suspicions of lacking self-worth and frequent forays into the world of slumming all have taken its toll on me. i know that slacking was really my main agenda ever since i started college, but it's taken me to places that i don't want to be, and it's led to me a place where i want to get out of now. i do believe in the statement that every passing second is another chance to turn it all around, but i've seen my chances come and go, and i truly do believe that i'm running out of them.

i'm not being fatalistic or anything, but it's all relative; i'm losing more and more steam. i don't care if i'm really going to be the vice-prez of the biz council...that's going to be one hell of a gig to pull off. i don't care if i get through all my papers and waive the get out of jail free card...i've already taken liberties with that for a number of times. the fact is, being responsible for my actions and taking responsibility are two different things. and i think i've taken my fair share of responsibilities, but now i just want to let it go and stop.

some may think that it's all about rejuvenation...others may say that i'm just losing my mind over small things. but i've given so much time and effort to everything in my life...i truly do believe that i've managed to balance everything out, and when something becomes out of thwack, i can't handle it.

i'm not anal retentive. but there's gotta be some order amidst all the chaos, and right now, there's just not enough order to justify the things i do and the words i say. there're so many things i want to do. i want to travel the world. i want to stand high on mountain peaks with my arms outstretched and scream at the top of my lungs. i want to look at fast-flowing rivers, cascading down alpine mountains...i want to taste those waters. i want to drive a ferrari at 200 km/h and feel freedom. lord, i want to fly.

how many other people have these desires? and how often do we see them through? not a lot. you never got to be the cowboy, the astronaut, the racer. once these dreams are taken from us, then what?

where do we go?
"alien invaders"
---------------
i think it's rather cool, playing quasi-kl guide to someone who's never been to kl before. so much so that they're more willing to listen to the crap stories about kl living that you've got to tell. matt's cousin, steve, was today's candidate. steve's lived in...um...melbourne all his life, and has never really ventured out until now. quite a cool guy, so, i guess that it was quite accomodating of him to bear with us at the mamaks and such.

we played pool over at 1957 [which plays great one-man band music]; i haven't been there in a bit...since...going there with more or less the same guys. traffic at hartamas was awful...more of the same. last time i was there was with wan ling [that's a name i haven't heard for a while], and...it's still the same.

i've figured that although i sit and watch people play pool [i'm not bored by it, though], i'm really more of a night person. it's so much more...peaceful. and i think sometimes that it's a whole different kind of life out at night...life at night focuses more on play. the rigours of the day just ebb into nothingness while you sit around with friends, endlessly chatting about nothing at all.

there're no worries at night. and even if there were, you could just push them away for the day to handle them.

sometimes, i wish that we could just live in a world without daylight. maybe that'd make things better.

would it?

Saturday, February 21, 2004

"reading to her lips"
-------------------
for starters, it's absolute chaos around my house at this precise moment that i'm posting this, but never mind.

d'you know how some people speak to their horticulture? i mean, talking to your plants is one thing...but i never thought much of it until my adsl modem dropped onto the floor just now [since i brilliantly pulled down on the phone wire, and it was standing sideways]. i kept on calling it "baby", and i promised that i'd get it a longer phone wire when i had the chance to.

nutters.

not just that. i pat my car every time i come back at night for being able to be driven, and i thank my ps2 whenever i can.

very nutters.

yea. chaos around the house. sigh.
"blotchy stains on the wall"
--------------------------
mmm. according to my uncle, they're going to start painting the house today. most of the house will be painted orange scent [which is rather funny, because it looks awfully white], while i've opted for marine blue, insted of...um...bluebells, hazy blue or lilac...they're just not...manly...enough. i hope it works out, and i hope that they do a good job...my dad complained to this contractor once for doing a bad job [he'd repainted some portions of the house a few years ago], so...maybe he's bucked up and learned and employed the right people this time.

or maybe he's not, who knows? ugh. more stuff to pack up.

Friday, February 20, 2004

"generation genting"
-------------------
there's this genting tradition that rishen has to wear shorts and slippers when being there. in other words, we enjoy the sight of a cold rishen...at the expense of a cold rishen. today was a true road trip in every sense...the road trip rules of no tolls and getting lost were followed. we took an alternative backdoor route to genting that none of us had been on before...it was quite fun, up to the point when we reached genting's summit and realized that the other half was the conventional way up the slope. we had genting's fried rice at the 24 hour chinese food joint, and found out that there's hainanese chicken chop, which i really do want to try out one day.

and it wasn't exactly freezing cold, coz most of us were used to it...but...rishen was. anyway, after many cigarettes and fried rice, we decided to come back down the way we came. but instead of taking one turn, we took another that we thought would lead us back to kl faster via rawang. um...it sort of did, but...well, it was worth it, i figure. we found another lake [akin to the Gap but much smaller] and, in all good fun, got back to bangsar at 4 in the morning. brilliant.

first road trip in ages turns out to be one of the more memorable ones...not bad at all, indeed.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

"words of the wise"
--------------------------
of everyone's world that i could possibly make a difference in, it's your world in which i want to be.
"honestly"
----------
honestly?
it's getting worse every day
the stars and me
we're waiting for another day

come round again
maybe i can show you magic
through words i've said before
through the best of all the lines

you're there
i'm here
get near
"stay in here"
-----------------
look, there's a theory behind it all
we share and share alike
you're the inner strength i need
you fuel the will to fight
i'm the shoulder that you want
the soothing voice at night
put two and two together
maybe things can be alright

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

"the all apologies column [part two]"
-----------------------------------------------
i guess that people can be more accomodating over the phone. i called up emily at the eastin...yes, the nasty woman...and she was nothing short of...pleasant. she nicely explained that the deposit could be reduced, but the final balance of payment would be increased according to the amount reduced in the deposit. simple.

so, kudos to you, emily. though, maybe you really should take a break and get...*ahem*...serviced. no, not by me.
"the all apologies column [part one]"
-----------------------------------------------
whatever that's seen below is basically the conversation that i had with amir, the streamyx dude, who did a great job. the poor guy was in and out of the house for the last three days, so i guess that it was worth the RM 50. anyway, broadband isn't that bad, but let's get with the story.

he came round at about 11 [not bad], and we tried out the old adsl modem. wonky. to cut a very long story short, he tested out another modem he had with him and it was working fine...but he had to go to a place nearby to install streamyx as well, and had to bring the latter modem with him. he then came back about an hour later, and then, horror of horrors...the second modem didn't work.

here's the predicament:
1) old modem found the activated line but couldn't connect to the network [all morning]
2) second modem was working fine [11:30]
3) second modem couldn't find the activated line [12:30]

the good thing was, it did find the line...the line was underpowered for a short while and then it got nicely fixed. kudos to him and his dude --- it was worth the cash.
"i'd like to meet amir"
----------------------------
*dial*
"hello...?"
"hi, is this amir?"
"ya".
"hi, this is mr. tai's son from seputeh...i'd like to tell you that the line has been activated but the modem can't connect to the broadband network...do you think you can come over and help out and then i can pay you and settle this?"
"okay...wait...first, check to see if the modem has been properly connected to the computer and the phone line".
"yea, it is".
"okay...is the light blinking?"
"no, it's not...it's green".
"wait, yea...*undistinguishable chatter in background*...make an appointment with my office. ya, hello?"
"yea?"
"the line is stable?"
"yes, but i can't connect to the broadband network".
"so it's properly connected?"
"yes".
"not blinking?"
"yes".
"then...give me your address".
"number 23, jalan desa seputeh 4..."
"23, jalan taman seputeh 4..."
"no, no...desa seputeh 4..."
"alright..."
"58000 kuala lumpur".
"okay. so the line is stable?"
"yes".
"okay...11".
"thanks".
*click*

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

"in the air tonight"
------------------
i want to love you; why don't you let me?
am that last thing on your mind?
you were stranded
i came along and swept you off
but maybe that was another time

it's so much easier
wearing thin
than going back
to where you begin
but it's all in

i want to love you; d'you get the point?
there's nothing wrong with giving in
i'm going nowhere
all i can do is wait
and see if i can win

it's so much easier
wearing thin
than going back
to where you begin
but it's all in

take me back
it's all right
there's something good
in the air tonight

Monday, February 16, 2004

"broadband or dust"
----------------------------
if the world was perfect, and if all connections could instantaneously link, i'd be typing this away on a broadband internet connection in my own house. the coolest thing that i'd have in the comfort of my own study. next to a ps2. but, alas, the world isn't perfect, and obviously, not all connections can instantaneously link. the contractor responsible for the connection, amir, came round at about 3, while i was at the pan pacific. basically, the deal is this: once we get broadband, he gets RM 50. the way to tell is when the dsl indicator on the modem becomes fixed and permanently green. it's still blinking now. it's been blinking for 8 hours. no money for amir; no broadband for us. and it's all so queer...the wall unit outside is being used, so there's this phone line running into my room. the same thing that'd be used for my normal modem, but, c'mon, this is broadband. i'm moving on with the new wave, but at the same time, it's like...indie new wave. spoilt caviar. it's like the most banged up ferrari 360 you could ever find; it's fast as hell, but...it doesn't look like a ferrari that'd run.

anyway, today's hotel trip was a fun one. first we went to the eastin, which has got the unfriendliest, shortest, most unpleasant, sarcastic catering manager ever. seriously. she really needs a screw, but i doubt that she's ever gotten any in her life. okay, that was a bit crude, and a bit inpolite, but, come on...you should've been there. after that, we went to the pan pacific, and there was this nice, courteous, hands-on, pleasant catering manager who attended to us. and she offered us a cheaper deposit amount.

so what do we choose...a hotel with an unpleasant attendant, and a more expensive deposit, or the hotel with a (much) nicer attendant, a (much) cheaper attendant, but full of traffic problems?

that's right...we chose the eastin. there's really no choice...it still has the location. and that really does count in everything now.

oh, well. another day. and no broadband yet.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

"7 boxes of compressed celluloid"
----------------------------------------------
today was the first time that i'd ever been to putrajaya/cyberjaya. it's quite weird, finding a high-tech modern ghost town with absolutely no people in it. not to say that it's got a population of zero, since there's quite a bit of occupied housing, but going to the main administrative area is like walking into an empty brasilia; all the weekenders have left. still, the place is bleeding impressive, and open...it's like you've got these monolithic avantgarde buildings just standing there, waiting to be plucked. first, you come to kl, and then, putrajaya, and it's just...outweeded. anyway, we scoped around the place, and found some lakeside realty, though, it wasn't really built up. give it a few more years, i suppose. i remember reading this article about teens staying in the new capital; i can only envy them. or feel pity, looking at the state of things there. it's orderly, clean, but...boring. it's stoic. antiseptic, even.

after the putrajaya stint, we went to tesco [puchong], and did a bit of shopping. i swear, my dad and uncle were looking through chinese karaoke vcds for 20 minutes or even more, but i found some cassettes for RM 3.90 [i'm listening to Massive Attack's Mezzanine] now [it's working well --- a pleasant surprise]. i bought 7 for about RM 29, which is alright, considering that's worth about two [unbargain binned] cassettes. here's the list:

massive attack - mezzanine
michael jackson - invincible
lara croft: tomb raider ost
barenaked ladies - stunt
the cardigans - life
the cardigans - first band on the moon
chemical brothers - brothers gonna work it out

quite an eclectic mix, and i don't know how the michael jackson got there, but hey, it's there.

oh, well. tomorrow's going to be spent at the eastin hotel, checking up on the venue again. hopefully we can barrage the catering department head with questions regarding the upcoming ball...though there're other developments that i can't share with you yet concerning everything else.

oh, well. here's to a day well spent.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

"the tai returns"
---------------
my name is ian tai, and i am a rock star. i'm more of a vegan rocker, a soft, sentimental, acoustic kind of person who thinks that a nice evening alone with a girl in his room should be spent...playing video games. after a nice fish dinner at the manhattan fish market restaurant. not really. i don't know what i am; just that i'm good at being whatever it is i am.

changes are taking place now. a few things that i didn't have before are finally settling in. that's right, folks. air conditioning, a new external wall housing for the house, a fresh, new gate, new lights, and a blue room. no seriously...a blue room. and yellow lighting. but there're other things that i don't have [it's a kind of lament...sorry, just had to put that in] that i still want.

yea, well, it's all mine for the taking.

but now, i'm on a nice two week break, and i just want to rest. no, not from blogging...that was due to an overdue bill. i mean that i just want to...chill. hang. whatever. out.

Monday, February 02, 2004

"sinead o'connor/stereophonics - nothing compares 2 u"
--------------------------------------------------------
It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since u took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since u took your love away
Since u been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 u
It's been so lonely without u here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl u better have fun
No matter what u do
But he's a fool
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 u
All the flowers that u planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when u went away
I know that living with u baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
Nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 u
"this is not adam king"
------------------------------
guiness stout tastes like shite.
"what am i to you?"
-------------------
what am i to you?
do i make you blue?
could our love be true?
would we last forever?

what i am to you?
just a passing glance?
tonight's last dance?
what am i to you?

this could be more
than a day
this could be more
please find a way
to stay

what am i to you?
do i mean enough?
is what we have tough?
is this conventional?

what am i to you?

Sunday, February 01, 2004

"weng hing and the imbi disaster"
--------------------------------
it's sunday morning. my father, uncle and i went to imbi road for some bowls of pork ball noodles. this place we go to, it's been around for almost 40 years [since my father was in high school] and it's some sort of establishment/institution in pork ball noodles. i kid you not. if i ever get children, with all honesty, i'd probably bring them there for a taste of chinese malaysiana. the place needs maintenance badly, it's hot and stuffy inside, but people flock to it. i guess that you can't really judge a book by its cover.

my uncle had earlier said that we were going to berjaya times square. i squirmed. thankfully, we haven't gone, and i'm now at home. awaiting the next call to mop some strange part of the house. my dad's such a housewife, even more so considering the fact that we don't have a housewife anymore. i'm almost tempted to tell him off and mention something about a maid, but i think i'd just get yelled at.

"you're 20 now...go find a job and a maid whom you can pay for, and then we'll talk".

i've never really had a maid before...the closest thing to one would've been the one we hired in brazil, and she only spoke portuguese. besides that, we've been [painfully] self-sufficient for most of the time. just for once, i'd love someone to iron my clothes for me. that's all. make them nice and smooth.

wearing uncreased shirts would be a fresh start to things.