Tuesday, September 28, 2004

she moved me.


i love you.

i love you, not, not in a friendly way, although i think we're great friends, and not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although i'm sure that's what you'll call it. i love you, very...very simple, very truly. you are the...the epitome of everything i have ever looked for in a human being. and i know that you think of me as just a friend, and that crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option that you'd ever consider.

i had to say it.

i just...i can't take this any more.

i can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. i can't...i can't look into your eyes without feeling that...that longing that you only read about in thrashy romance novels. i can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. and i know...this will probably queer our friendship...no pun intended.

i had to say it.

'cause i've never felt this way before.

and...i don't care...i like who i am because of it. and if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then...that hurts me. but god, i couldn't allow another day go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome. which, by the look on your face, is to be the inevitable shoot-down.

and, y'know, i'll accept that.

but i know, i know, that some part of you is hesitating for a moment. and if there's a moment of hesitation, and that means you feel something too, and all i ask, please, is that you just...you just not dismiss that. and try to dwell on it. for just ten seconds.

...there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person i am when i'm with you. and i would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau...because it is there between you and me...you can't deny that.

even if, y'know...even if we never talk again after tonight...please know, that i am forever changed...because of who you are, and what you've meant to me.

Monday, September 27, 2004

i, teetotal.


just eighteen and shambolic
party raves and alcoholic
bottle fixxer and pill popping
booty shaking and club hopping
feeble, fumble, fickle minds
love with love and love in kind
without a doubt an angel's grace
slapped that child across the face


hypocrites are born each day
faster than a man can say
he changes ladies like his g
lean on him but follow me
holy rollers beat the odds
beatniks dressing up like mods
dressed in black but good in gold
after verse the story's told


we used to be so innocent, so innocent
so innocent
we used to be so innocent
so let the good times roll


hotspot clubs on the sensor
dj spins, the master mentor
crucifixes up for sale
pickets up to save the whales
fools are made and others follow
make a name and they will borrow
oozing charm up on a stage
machines against that they will rage

hands in air like they don't care
evil eyes and passing stares
glance upon the one i want
tongues a-wagging like a taunt
grime and grim and girls within
book a room up at the inn
bedposts shaking, rumbles heard
one more night of lovely birds

we used to be so innocent, so innocent
so innocent
we used to be so innocent
so let the good times roll

Sunday, September 26, 2004

silver and sore.


well. i've never won a medal for anything in my life, so lo and behold, the first [and most likely, only] sports medal that i've won...a silver, no less...had to come from netball. though, to give it credit, it was more like a game of wet touch rugby, with catfights. we were at the st. john's institute yesterday, and of all things, netball was played on their football pitch. it was all good and fine for the first part of it, but when the rain came down, the fun started. mud and guts everywhere, as helen [and most of the girls on the team] were bruised and beaten. and catfights, mind you. okay, a little pushing and shoving, but we, the men, were hoping for a mudfight. really. in the end, all was good, and we won the silver. despite a) still being blur over our positions b) still being blur over the rules. even the referee liked us. for some strange reason, we entered as the underdogs and were fortunate enough to get the most out of it.


yes, i'm quite pleased with myself. even if i didn't do anything useful.

the coconut dance on friday night was telling. it was so good that the international students' club wanted us for their upcoming event. ugh. as if throwing away all dignity wasn't good enough. though, again, i'm quite pleased, because, despite our short performance, it was the life of the party. though seeing three guys dressed in coconut bras and long-leaf skirts isn't exactly a sight for sore eyes. and those bras hurt. they most certainly did. ugh. on the bright side, at least we had free food. joy.

what a great weekend. honestly. now i just want to stay in bed for a week.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

eternally.


i'm quite proud of this. enjoy.
---------------------------------------------
you danced on my grave while i was sleeping.
you made circles with the roses on the courtyard gates.
you laughed at the mourning while they were weeping.
you mocked the wind who had sung too late.
my mother, you called my beast of burden.
my father, you hailed the prodigal king.
you laughed, as if your claim was certain.
you laughed, as if we were lesser things.


i will haunt you in your blissful slumber.
i will curse you with scorn divine.
as you awaken, and as you lumber;
you shall be that which has no time.

for Father Time turns no blind eye
upon those who wish to cheat;
the wicked shall not be denied
the cost of their defeat.

you, dear friend, shall be regarded;
as a friend most dear to heart.
as a friend so tragically discarded;
this advice to you, i impart:

fear not the reaper who tends his scythe,
though his love for you is strong.
fear not our child whose silenced cries,
you quelled with slighted wrong.
fear not the dark whose shadows bloom,
to draw you into arms.
fear not the cold that fills your room,
that threatens to do harm.

instead, give fear its due,
and fear with open heart,
for tonight i shall come to you,
and we shall never part.


Tuesday, September 21, 2004

it doesn't matter.


so. here we are again.

you're leaving.
i'm stuck here.
again.
i feel the same way.
still.
it doesn't get better. and you'll never know.
you'll probably never read this. and that's alright.
coz of you did, i'd be fucked. i'd lose you. for a good amount of time.
and i can't lose you. i need you. distance and time. they don't matter.
i need you. i would wait. probably would mean shit to everyone else.
fine.
i need you. can't put it better than that. ever.
latching myself onto something?
there're some things that people know.
cliche of the night would be to wish for a chance to turn back time.
crap...i do. joy. make things better and all that.
but most importantly: just to tell you that you mean the world to me.
just to tell you that...well, despite it all, we can make it.
not to screw up.
i love you. you lift me up. i never meant to bring you down.
that's not what i'm here for. i need you.
c'mon, goddamit!
i love you.
and it's just a very, very big mistake to assume that i stopped.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

A Message From Justin Raymond.


Hello. This is Ian's friend. His name (well, mine) is Justin. Depending on who is reading this, it will trigger a different number of ermm...trigger type things.

If Ian is reading this:
hello Ian. I is bored. Will send more annoying phone messages when I have the time.

if a nice beautiful girl is reading this:
I'm quite an okay guy. If you're into having fun and generally living life quite the un-Malaysian way - - give me a buzz at 012-2661213.

if a guy is reading this:
erm...bugger off. Wait. Do you have a Subaru impreza wrx sti that i can test drive?

Saturday, September 18, 2004

blood that won't stick, netball boys and melons.


a funny thing happened on wednesday. i was at a blood donation drive only to learn that i couldn't donate blood. ever. apparently, if you've stayed in europe for more than six months during the 1980's, you've incurred the risk of getting the mad cow disease or something to that extent. the dreaded mad cow, or some other viral disease. wonderful. well, i guess that i can say that although i'm relatively normal on the outside, there might be something that's burning within. i might fall prey to the posthumous wrath of cannibalistic bovines. or some other viral illness that couldn't just come up within the asia-pacific region.


it's not like i wanted to donate blood that badly [please notice that there're some details that i've left out], but in a strange, civic-conscious way, it would've been nice. it's good to know that i'm a B blood type, although i've always forgotten that.

thursday was good because i got to play netball. which is indeed a girl's game, but the business department team needed guys, and boss helen dragged me in, so...i went in. luckily, i definitely wasn't the only guy there despite it initially looking that way, so...yea. meet the business department's new wing defender.

hurrah.

it's been a good day for a friday. went to college for more discussions on the taman negara trip. spent some time with justin, and got a very, very interesting game that's 'bigger than grand theft auto'. boys, get the guy game for the ps2/gamecube/xbox (?). girls, make sure your guys don't get it.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

question.


if two people fall in love and then out of love, is it harder for them not to see the things that attracted them to you in the first place or is it harder for you not to be yourself?

Monday, September 13, 2004

blondes, brunettes and tandoori chicken.


i think that it would be funny if i came home one day with an indian girl. or a blonde. or someone else who would be totally un-chinese. i don't think that my family would mind if i came home with someone who didn't have a particular skin tone (ala oriental yellow), but i don't know how they'd really take it. though looking at it, i'd expect my family to be a group of left-wing liberals. not to the extent of them being weed-smoking marxists, but it could be funny if they decided to determine my preferences when it comes down to who to date.

quite like the way my aunt was announcing to the world that i was entering the world of law [a prophecy that has been since debunked], i suppose that certain preconceived notions have been made about me in the past, some valid, some not so valid. i'd like to believe that i've vindicated myself. somewhat.

  1. i'm gay. an assumption my uncle made when li vern and i were always hanging out at each other's homes. also, an assumption made by those who inherently discover the sensitive me. bullocks. denial may be a sign of submission, but i'm not affeminate. not even metrosexual. despite what people say.
  2. i'm a pedophile. i have no allusions to this. but i'm not that sort of pedophile. don't roll your eyes at this. i think that i get taken out of context half the time. young girls are cute. fresh. innocent. and good-natured. a lot better than what they turn into when they're older. no, don't quote my 'start 'em young!' statement. and on the bright side, i don't go for them. no, they're not kept as 'future investments' either. i have control. unlike some other people.
  3. i advocate interracial dating. i most certainly do. i don't think that we should keep within our boundaries. i know that self-praise is no praise, but i'd like to believe that i'm not prejudiced. i don't know about marriage, honestly, but i'd date any girl from any race. which brings up the next point.
  4. i am shallow. maybe. i'd date any girl from any race. as long as she was attractive to my eye. but isn't that universal?
  5. i've got strange tastes. maybe. i don't think that most of the girls i like have issues. i guess that it's just a really random coincidence. but i'm trying to get away from that, all the same. they're not queer, just quiet. (okay, maybe that didn't sound that right). and at least they're not attention grabbers. lord knows that the world's got enough of those.

i think that's all for now. this is what happens when you've got nothing better to do.

but honestly; step out of the box and live a little.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

takedown.


just a little bit more information regarding burnout 3 [i think you can figure out what i've been doing over the weekend by now]. initially, the game starts off as intermediate-easy, but once you progress to the europe, it gets a lot more challenging, and fun. it gets pushed up an ante and it's worth every penny. you're also guaranteed to throw down your controller every now and again out of frustration [if you're one of those kind of people], but you'd most likely pick it up again and keep on playing because...well...you just have to. aside from the united states and europe [which is acknowledged as france in the game], you also get to race in asia, though i haven't touched that part of the world yet [europe is just fast].

the task of progressively unlocking cars, and completing objectives to reward thyself with unlockable cars is appealing, despite the fact that these are all non-licensed models. i guess the game is fun in itself. the addition of licensed music and a dj adds to the whole gloss of production values [it is an EA game, after all], but it doesn't detract away from the gaming experience. also, the framerate is awesome, and justin noted that it's just amazing for a ps2 to project these kind of graphics. you've got to play it to believe it.

plus, the added feature of being able to control your wreck once it's been...uh...wrecked...is just too damn cool. there's nothing more satisfying than seeing your wreck take someone else down in slow-mo...even if you do have to respawn behind them. subtle yet vital changes to the boost bar also add to the gameplay.

don't forget, the game also includes a playable demo of need for speed: underground 2, and the game itself is prominently promoted throughout burnout 3...i wonder how criterion feels about a rival racing franchise being freely promoted in its own game...?

but no matter what, take my word for it. this game is lovely. lovely.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

the melancholic mix.


it's been a while since i've done one of these, so here we go...a track listing of songs that i think would make a good compilation of quiet melancholia/euphoria.
-------------------------------------------
rufus wainwright - hallelujah
damien rice - cannonball
beth gibbons - tom the model
tori amos - i don't like mondays
jann arden - you don't know me
bebel gilberto - lonely
natalie merchant - one fine day
outkast - take off your cool
goo goo dolls - no one's listening
scott andrew le pera - holding back
diana krall - just the way you are
chantal kreviazuk - feels like home
jack johnson - taylor
blind faith - can't find my way home
stereophonics - nothing compares to you
jason wade - you belong to me
john mayer - comfortable
sheryl crow - i shall believe
elliot smith - between the bars
sigur ros - agaetis byrjun
---------------------------------------
here we go. don't claim that it's your work, if someone asks about your tastes in music. you pretentious, stealing twats. this is done for listening pleasure.

share the wealth, but not the credit.

burnout/srs.


a couple of days ago, i bought two racers, both which are fun on different levels. let's first start off with burnout 3, a game that i've sort of been anticipating to a nth. it's awesome, fast, the add-ons are good, and it's a very fast, fast game. srs, on the other hand...despite its shortcomings and pitfalls...has real girls in it.

kaila yu is mine.

and...that was my saturday.

wow.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

furballs are hacked.



well. just finished my human resource management assignment about 20 minutes ago, and i'm free of any assignment pressure. up til the end of the month. my voice is lost. a sore throat is gone, and in its place is a cough. a dry one. not very good. i should see a doctor. should being the operative term. but i think that it'd be okay. it sounds funny when i try to sing. quite cool as well.

lordy. i really need a shower, but it's still too early. i'm contemplating eating, but it's still too early. shite, it's still too early for anything. but on the bright side, i don't miss a lecture, i've done my work and i'm rather free for the next one and a half hours. besides having to take some cough medicine.

the last few days have been uneventful. the council's trying to figure out how to organize a trip to either taman negara or penang. brilliant. and guess who has to choose the destination? well, not exactly me, but....y'know.

besides that, nothing much is happening. justin's back from thailand, so....maybe you can check out his blog or something.

i have to dump this cough.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

just shoot me. again.


my, my, my. to reinforce the idea that weekends are for non-productivity, i can readily admit that i've spent the last 2 days in bed. the sore throat reached a very painful level, yesterday, and i thought the best way way to counter it was not to use my throat. and the best way to do so, it seemed, was to knock myself out cold. i'm not sure how well it worked, but it hurt like hell. the bright side was, i woke up after ages of sleep today, and realized that the pain was subdued. as i'm writing this, i've just woken up to a nice long nap, and the pain is almost gone...though i shouldn't be so quick to say anything yet.


it's just that with the assignment deadline coming up, plus the council needing a website badly, i really should've done more for these last few days. but all i want to do is sleep. and then some.

aren't weekends supposed to encourage counter-productivity? if that's so, why do i feel so dirty? i haven't even gone out for the evening or even to the mall. i've just been at home. asleep.

well. i've still got the rest of sunday evening to get things done.

yea, right.

Saturday, September 04, 2004


this was li vern and my parting shot of hartamas at night. pretty lights? i would think so. Posted by Hello

i want you.


it had to come down to this. what i'd love right now would be someone's lap whom i could lay down on while my hair's being gently mussed about. that'd be an absolute piece of Heaven right now. right now. right now. and it's come to the conclusion that this girl that i'm totally hooked onto is the absolute polar opposite of me. cold, dismissive, direct, efficient. words that do her no justice. she's just so bloody it. i suppose that some might say that it's got to do with the whole 31 flavours aspect; how you need a bit of each to keep you going. but i don't think so.

i'm intrigued.

it's bizarre, really. the way she does things reeks of finality that when she tells you that calling her isn't the smartest thing to do and that continued attention may in fact lead her to cut off all forms of contact...you know that you've stumbled onto something that nobody else would comprehend. she's a mystery. total, complete, mystery, that is not waiting to be discovered or explored.


i'm intrigued.


it's taken a while for me to admit this to myself, but i'd love it if this could progress from just whatever it is now. which is absolutely nothing. zero. nil. but it'd be something completely different, a total 180 degree turn from all the purity, predictability and spontaneousness i've infused myself with for the last 6 years. i might grow to regret it, i admit, but...i want it.

i'm intrigued.

i don't know what to do now. i really don't. too much of a good/bad thing.

in the words of gavin degraw:

i don't want to be anything other than what i've been trying to be lately
all i have to do is think of me and have a peace of mind
i'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what i gotta do
or who i'm supposed to be
i don't want to be anything other than me


problem: it's all good and true, but is it even enough?

Friday, September 03, 2004

battle without honour or humanity.


the instrumental from kill bill, volume 1. excellent stuff. done by a person called tomoyasu hotei. awesome track, really. it's the track you hear on the dvd menu. anyway, check out hey by fatima rainey. there's a chance that you'd be listening to it for a whole day.