23.

life is all about making decisions, acting upon them and sticking up for them. there's nothing more admirable than the determination to see things through; not all of us can stomach some of the choices we make, and there's an even smaller number that doesn't find the need to regret them. what's life without a bit of regret thrown into the mix? shouldn't we feel comforted by knowing that there've been lessons learnt in all the wrong things we've done? probably. but we're prone to repeating the same mistakes without realizing them. no matter how small in consequence your choices and actions may seem to you, higher up the hierachy, there're bound to be repercussions that you'd never have foreseen.

regret is a debilitating condition in all of us. it gnaws at us at the most unfortuitous of times, and it continues to take small, cumulative bites until there's nothing left to take. there's just a big, empty space at the end. hollow. wide.

i don't suppose that i can take back things i've said, or more importantly, things i've done. and i guess that harnessing the power of anti-matter to go back in time to do it all over again is beyond possible.

oh, well.

i'm still as rash and impulsive as i've ever been. i still use my heart to sort things out, rather than my head. i only see my own view, rather than anyone else's. it's all me, me, me. to be honest with you, why shouldn't it all be about us? how'm i supposed to look after someone if i can't even look after Number One? where do i draw the line between being selfless and selfish? isn't selflessness a form of selfishness? we all have motives. we all have agendas. nobody's perfect, after all.

why do i feel so bad about it? do i need to? am i too nice? after trying so hard, i still can't fully throw caution into the wind. i'm a half-miser. i'm not the risktaker that i like to make myself to be. i can never be the guy that's been in my head all along. i'm not really that loudmouth, know-it-all, clambake enchilada i want everyone to see me for. i'm just a wallflower. i've let opportunities slip by. i've let good things go, i've destroyed good things. i can never admit that i'm wrong even when i bloody well know that i've been the cause of the conflict. i lie...a lot. i'm puny. a pretty bad excuse for a person.

i feel small at times. so...little. i want people to see me for something more...something that i'm not, but something that i hope to be. sometimes i want to dig deep into my pillow and just wallow.

i've gone nowhere, despite promising to myself that i'd be somewhere. i've disappointed those who've cared for me the most on numerous occasions. i've made them lose their faith in me. yet they've still stood by me. i have parents who've stuck their necks out repeatedly. i have a girl who'd (scarily) give the world to me. i have friends who're the greatest: non-judgemental, understanding, loyal. i'm a pretty fucking lucky guy.

to all of you who've wished me well this last day and a half, i thank you. i owe it to you. you fuckers are the reason why i live. coz in the end, it's not really about me...it really is about you. and i thank you. thank you just for being there. it means a lot. from the bottom of mine to yours.

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new adidas! new adidas! i dragged my father along to every single sporting outlet i could think of in midvalley. my original plan was to get a pair of converses and a pair of adidas'...but, much to my chagrin, nothing really caught my eye. to be honest with you, i wanted a pair of either adidas superstars or rekords like my old ones. i caught a look at these fantastic french-tribute adidas' at that outlet on the third floor...but it didn't really match anything i own. red, blue and outlined white stripes at the side. pretty, but...no go.

*general rule when i buy shoes: the shoes have to at least match a shirt i have.

i went into converse and...things have changed. all-star high tops used to retail for about RM 70. now they're pushing RM 90. madness. nothing caught my eye. even those nice, shiny jack purcells could rot in hell. and there were no novelty pairs...none of those flashy flaming motifs around.

i went to the adidas store. nothing. they had the new chelsea jersey, but not the new liverpool kits. i love the new euro away kit. awesome.

i went down to the royal sporting house. it's a dinghy place. but dinghy surroundings mean (maybe?) cheaper prices. and there it was. yes. i coaxed my father into buying me a new pair of superstars, much like my old pair, except with blue stripes, which change their luminousity (is there such a word?) under different lighting. still faithful to my old rekord pattern, but chunkier. officially, the shoes are known as superstar II.

new shoes turn me on.

i also saw some awesome polo haus shirts on sale at jusco. departmental store mayhem. i didn't buy anything. but let me say this: i love shopping. it's therapy. there's nothing like the reckless abandon of throwing your life's savings away for materialistic idealism. i'm betraying my quasi-leftist roots here, but hey, in doing so, i'm helping the fucking economy. money changes hands. the more hands it goes through, the better. a simple economic principle.

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i went to sunway with the masterful surprise. this follows a tai tradition of not knowing what to do for my birthday until the very last serendipidous (??) minute.

hartz is dead. six years of fantastic memories, gone.

hartz chicken buffet is dead. dead. dead. the one in melaka is dead, and if things go on the way they are, the one in times square is going to fucksville soon.

dead. it's sad. it's fed me so much, done me so proud. now it's gone. i don't know how long it was at sunway before i went there, but...ugh. it's truly the end of an era. time to grow up, eh?

in the end, we ate at mcD's in mutiara damansara (this was after a very long trip that i'm going to spare describing).

speaking of which.

i'm going to try to persuade the M.S. and wai mun to youtube their short film, paradigm (if that's even the title), that they'd submitted to the starlight cinema contest. it's got music from family circle and...ME. actually, it's more like 80% family circle and a minute and a half of me.

coming soon to a youtube near you, i hope.

did i mention that HARTZ IS DEAD?

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23 now.

time to grow up.

....maybe after another year.