I Always Wanted To Watch The Sunrise With You.

I Always Wanted To Watch The Sunrise With You.

I’m lonely. It’s a Wednesday morning, it’s 5, and I should be sleeping. Should being the operative term today. I’ve spent the majority of the day at college and at Justin’s, and now I’m back here, in my humble abode, biding time until the sandman cometh and takes me away. My dreams of late have been bizarre. Past acquaintances have come to haunt me, and memories have sort of been flooding in. I know that they’re memories in my dreams, but I lose whatever grasp I had on them when I wake up. Maybe this is my subconscious mind telling me to get a life. Whatever works for me, I suppose.

This last week has been a constant blur. The ball went off smoothly enough, but not enough to garner an impression that would be forever everlasting in the memories of those who attended. Better luck next year? You bet your ass it’s going to happen. I could bore everybody with logistical details, as well as the setbacks that were encountered, but I can’t be bothered. Some things are better kept silent, I suppose. Not that mentioning it to anybody would make much of a difference.

This is supposed to be a study break period, but I’ve done nothing but go to college. It has to stop. I haven’t started the Project Management assignment [until today, it’s really been no fault of my own], I haven’t studied for the Statistics test, and I haven’t watched enough of The O.C. to be satisfied. I still have games to play [since nobody’s gotten to me about the PlayStation], I still have books that I’d love to read [Crime and Punishment, anybody?], I still have comics to browse through. I have a life that I’d love to get back to, but the circumstances suggest otherwise. As always.

I guess that time is the only constant in life. It doesn’t stop for you, but always proceeds at a consistent rate. How we manage it is the bummer. Right now I’ve got a mix of a headache and a case of absolute fatigue. Five hour nights aren’t my idea of appropriate periods of rest. Not if I continually keep them up. There used to be a time when I could’ve survived without much of a problem, but I guess that the joke is on me now.

I’m getting old. The realization that aging is another constant in the game of time is yet another bitch that we have to list down. Everybody’s got a list of things to do before they die…though I’m not sure if I ever made one for myself. I suppose that now would be a good time to prioritize and tell myself what I really want to do, but I can’t decide. It would probably be *form rock band and become multimillionaire* up there at #1. Probably. I suppose that we can always indulge ourselves in a little dreaming once in a while.

Ah, well. Back to the part about being lonely. I just feel empty, in a way. I’ve felt empty for a while, and it’s rather distressing. Everyone around me is getting hooked up. I’m hooked up myself, but I need something…Force-bound. God, I don’t believe in Destiny…it’s bad enough that we have to struggle through life wondering why we have to struggle in the first place…but I’d like to know that at the end of the day, everything works out for everybody because that’s the way that it’s supposed to be…not just because we have to make a choice about it.

But I guess that we’ll never be able to find out. As a child, I used to be obsessed over death. What would happen? Where would we go? As far as I know right now, I don’t want to know, and I hope that I never find myself in a situation where the chances of finding out the answers to the two questions posed too soon. I guess that everyone has a lot to live for.

What fuels you? What’s your desire? What’s your passion? Your love? Your…flavour? And how much are you willing to give to ensure that you get it? Once upon a time, out of naivety, I used to think that I would be willing to fight for anything that I wanted because it was what I wanted. Now, I just concede and accept defeat. Some might say that it’s because maturity has kicked in, and left me feeling that kicking and screaming my life away won’t do anything. The truth? I’ve given up. The spark has left me. What fueled me to fight for what I wanted went away…the moment it went away. And that’s sad.

It’s sad because I thought I’d be stronger.

It’s sad because I thought it’d last a lot longer than this.

It’s sad because although I want a lot of things back, I’ll never be able to get them back.

Never is a strong word to use, I imagine. A bit too extreme, especially for my flaky self. I know what I want. I know what you want. You know what you want. You know what I want. There’s no middle ground to this. The truth is, we probably live our lives with the regret of knowing that things were never supposed to be the way they are…everyday. Wrong choices are made everyday. The consequences of which are earth-shattering to all of us.

Where’s the cosmic balance in all this? Whatever happened to us? Where did it all go wrong? And are we even bothered anymore? We wait, anticipate, hesitate for things to happen. Maybe I should just go ahead and do what I really want to do. The bigger risk than not getting what you want is never trying to find out whether or not it would’ve been. Whatever is a bitch. If is a bitch.

What do you want from all this?

Stop. Rewind. And think twice. Life is a bitch. Learn how to love. Learn how to live. And feel free.

And to think that all this blabber came out because of a girl.

There’s nothing better than bittersweet sentimentality. Drown me in it.