wanking in the dark.
hopping horny zombies, tentacle porn, schoolgirls, whips & candlesticks, deprived tutors, public nudity --- japanese and chinese pornography can be endearingly funny. i was flipping through the massive library of bootlegged VCDs that my father had brought back from brazil and chanced upon part of a collection of porn that i hadn't seen in a while (he did take it away). amidst fluff like ed powers' more dirty debutantes, some vivid video releases and heaps of playboy video pictorials (they're all my uncle's, i swear), i caught a glance of a few intruiging covers: first was one of a scantily clad japanese girl (complete with retro mid-80's hairdo), with a bunch of asian characters with the only legitimate english words being "e-cup".
ho ho hooooooooo. i popped it into my trusty pentium iii and watched. let it be known that i wasn't wanking away. i was honestly curious coz i'd never actually seen the thing before. hardcore action. girl in plaid skirt gets pumped away with the agile, nimble, small (in more ways than one) japanese man. been there, done that (quite literally).
next? something that i'd seen before previously, but never really explored in-depth. hooooo hooooo. i'm loving these puns.
it was a period chinese piece; a costume drama. now, if you've seen or heard of sex and zen, or an erotic chinese ghost story (parts 1 thru 3), you'd probably know what i'm talking about. however --- there were two major differences between this particular film and the aforementioned. this flick was made much earlier, and it showed actual penetration...a big no-no in hong kong these days.
in the end, the female protaganist died and turned into a ghost, complete with the green lighting etched upon her face and ghoulish makeup. it reminded me of another film i'd seen before --- where hopping horny arms-extended zombies were terrorizing a chinese province, much to the citizens' chagrin. however, the women weren't complaining. you had the holy man, dressed in yellow and prerequisite headgear, sending them back to hell with those yellow pieces of holy paper plastered upon their faces. hillarious.
who can forget their first encounter with hentai? tentacle porn! where some 100-armed extraterrestrial freak comes on down to rule the world and seduce its women. all of them. insert some nondescript government supersecret agency, virile men and lots of babes. insert plot device: destroy alien with superweapon --- worldwide orgasm, courtesy of a global-scale orgy. at the end of it all, the world goes white, and everyone's saved...and exhausted. and happy. mission accomplished.
the japanese can be said to have a twisted sense of humour. or they can be just twisted.
what is it about the sailor fuku that turns men around the world on? (don't deny it, you perverts). it's like how certain girls who wear a baju kurung to school have the edge over those with the pinafores.
let's not forget about bondage. personally, i don't see any appeal in tying a girl in a leather contraption hung from the ceiling and proceeding to smear her with hot candle wax. nor do i see the appeal of it happening to me.
i've seen madoka ozawa play a superhero who's forced to screw a man who has a ravaging, evil-scientist injected lethal virus within him. in the end, she starts foaming (at the mouth, you idiot) and dies. the comedy value was seeing her ham it up in her superhero role. what followed thereafter was a bit of bondage-lite.
how about sporting events for women....naked women? that's a novelty.
and how about the worst ones of all? the ones where a girl has the man's excrement in her mouth, and prepares to fellate him. with the excrement. in her mouth. he subsequently ejaculates, and then they kiss. with the cocktail still in her mouth. sometimes another girl is available to spare the man the pleasure of having to taste the product. it's like that joke from the aristocrats...only applied.
which brings me to my next point: women aren't really spared of dignity in japanese porn. they're also a lot more submissive. their western counterparts are a lot more...domineering. high pitched squeals of delirious pain can be annoying. not to mention the ever-present mosaic censor, which spoils the fun somewhat. but that's a story for a totally other time.
despite pornography in general being the same thing all the time, and despite the fact that watching multiple girls walk down a busy shibuya district street in broad daylight naked can be boring, men are still going to load the clips up. pornography is a fantasy tool. we wish our women could be a little bit more like the ladies we see onscreen.
i used to date a girl who looked like akira fubuki once, years ago. that was fun. i was lucky. she didn't know. or maybe she did. it didn't last. i was lucky.
now, i'm going out with someone who couldn't be better. i don't deny it. and i'm not saying that i want her to change. but i'm pretty sure that most guys, no matter how dropdeadgorgeous his partner would be, would be wishing that she could be a little bit (or maybe just a tiny bit) more like some chick he'd laid his eyes upon on a bootlegged copy of some generic title he'd seen many moons ago. it can't be helped.
forgive us.
forgive me.
ho ho hooooooooo. i popped it into my trusty pentium iii and watched. let it be known that i wasn't wanking away. i was honestly curious coz i'd never actually seen the thing before. hardcore action. girl in plaid skirt gets pumped away with the agile, nimble, small (in more ways than one) japanese man. been there, done that (quite literally).
next? something that i'd seen before previously, but never really explored in-depth. hooooo hooooo. i'm loving these puns.
it was a period chinese piece; a costume drama. now, if you've seen or heard of sex and zen, or an erotic chinese ghost story (parts 1 thru 3), you'd probably know what i'm talking about. however --- there were two major differences between this particular film and the aforementioned. this flick was made much earlier, and it showed actual penetration...a big no-no in hong kong these days.
in the end, the female protaganist died and turned into a ghost, complete with the green lighting etched upon her face and ghoulish makeup. it reminded me of another film i'd seen before --- where hopping horny arms-extended zombies were terrorizing a chinese province, much to the citizens' chagrin. however, the women weren't complaining. you had the holy man, dressed in yellow and prerequisite headgear, sending them back to hell with those yellow pieces of holy paper plastered upon their faces. hillarious.
who can forget their first encounter with hentai? tentacle porn! where some 100-armed extraterrestrial freak comes on down to rule the world and seduce its women. all of them. insert some nondescript government supersecret agency, virile men and lots of babes. insert plot device: destroy alien with superweapon --- worldwide orgasm, courtesy of a global-scale orgy. at the end of it all, the world goes white, and everyone's saved...and exhausted. and happy. mission accomplished.
the japanese can be said to have a twisted sense of humour. or they can be just twisted.
what is it about the sailor fuku that turns men around the world on? (don't deny it, you perverts). it's like how certain girls who wear a baju kurung to school have the edge over those with the pinafores.
let's not forget about bondage. personally, i don't see any appeal in tying a girl in a leather contraption hung from the ceiling and proceeding to smear her with hot candle wax. nor do i see the appeal of it happening to me.
i've seen madoka ozawa play a superhero who's forced to screw a man who has a ravaging, evil-scientist injected lethal virus within him. in the end, she starts foaming (at the mouth, you idiot) and dies. the comedy value was seeing her ham it up in her superhero role. what followed thereafter was a bit of bondage-lite.
how about sporting events for women....naked women? that's a novelty.
and how about the worst ones of all? the ones where a girl has the man's excrement in her mouth, and prepares to fellate him. with the excrement. in her mouth. he subsequently ejaculates, and then they kiss. with the cocktail still in her mouth. sometimes another girl is available to spare the man the pleasure of having to taste the product. it's like that joke from the aristocrats...only applied.
which brings me to my next point: women aren't really spared of dignity in japanese porn. they're also a lot more submissive. their western counterparts are a lot more...domineering. high pitched squeals of delirious pain can be annoying. not to mention the ever-present mosaic censor, which spoils the fun somewhat. but that's a story for a totally other time.
despite pornography in general being the same thing all the time, and despite the fact that watching multiple girls walk down a busy shibuya district street in broad daylight naked can be boring, men are still going to load the clips up. pornography is a fantasy tool. we wish our women could be a little bit more like the ladies we see onscreen.
i used to date a girl who looked like akira fubuki once, years ago. that was fun. i was lucky. she didn't know. or maybe she did. it didn't last. i was lucky.
now, i'm going out with someone who couldn't be better. i don't deny it. and i'm not saying that i want her to change. but i'm pretty sure that most guys, no matter how dropdeadgorgeous his partner would be, would be wishing that she could be a little bit (or maybe just a tiny bit) more like some chick he'd laid his eyes upon on a bootlegged copy of some generic title he'd seen many moons ago. it can't be helped.
forgive us.
forgive me.
posted by funkyhippopotamus at
2:29:00 am
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