Checklist.

I was laying in bed last night, thinking about how I'd reached this point, and how easy it'd be to lose it all. I'd like to believe that I hide that side of me that constantly worries from people, either through humour or the occasional smart remark...not to a Peter Parker extent, where I'd make a great quip in the face of death, but through my crudeness and apparent single-mindedness. One drawback to being me is my list of insecurities over truly trivial matters; I'm worried about things that would normally have no consequence to other people. In other words, my priorities aren't straight --- looking at where I've been before this, I can safely assume so.

More and more of the people around me have moved on to bigger things. If not bigger things, then brighter opportunities. I fear that I haven't made the most out of my life the way that others would perceive it, and although we always stick our chests out and harp about how perceptions don't matter, there's always that part of us that recoils in shame and/or jealousy over the success of others. It doesn't help when it hits home, i.e. unbelievable levels of success attained by a close relative or a good friend. I'd love to feel happy for them (and I do), but sometimes, oh, sometimes, I'd love to print out their mugshots onto a dartboard and take aim.

Not that I play darts very well. I've never touched one in my life.

Nonetheless, the makeshift winning streak that I've stumbled upon these last few months has been a godsend. My only fear is having it slip away from me; nonetheless, the architect of my demise would be me. I can't blame the externalities. It'd be my fault if I slowed down the momentum now. I see my life as this crescendo that's about to climax...only that my hand's twitching to tune the volume knob down. After many false starts and pipe dreams, I don't seem surprised about any of this.

I'm not clawing my way out from any hole. The only thing I'm clawing myself out of is a life of lethargy and procrastination. Seeing the light of the end of the tunnel is always a good thing...even if it's neon.

Let's put things into perspective. I have a lot to be grateful for. I shan't sabotage what I've worked to achieve (I can't say "work hard" coz that'd be a lie, really).

The ball's in your court, Satan!

(I just had to say that, sorry.)